Unstable Cradle

Daddy's Little Girl

2012-02-16T08:24:00.001-08:00

"Daddy's girl" that is what I was, or so I thought. The sterotype is either daddy's girl or a momma'a boy, but its amazing how during a certian period in a childs life you can tell them no wrong about their mom or dad. I am guilty as charged. I do not know if it is a form of denial or just hope. For years no one could tell me anything that shed my father in a negative light that I actually believed. Even when he personally offened me or let me down, to me he was DADDY..the best thing siince sliced bread.

It amazes me how at that age we as children understand so much more than our parents allow us to, and way more than we let on; but even though we know our father has made mistakes we continue to turn a blind eye. Maybe that is part of the innocenece of being a child. Until those teenage years when we think we know everything about life and realize who our fathers' really are or were. Before that time even though I knew my father was constantly late if he made it all, I still allowed my hopes to be raised, only to come plumiting down.

Why is it that we allow ourseles to live in denial, and continue to get our feelings hurt. Do not believe it is confinded to our childhood years we do the same thing as adults just surrounding different people, in friendships, relationships you name it. We continue to allow people to mistreat and take advantage of our emotions, when we know the end result. The question is why? Why do we allow ourselves to be let down? Why do women look for men like our father, when we know we need the opposite? why?why?why?
Is there a real reason why we do half the thigs we do?

I am not saying the daddy's girl syndrome is a horrible thing, however I know for me it did not help. It just gave me a way to mask the pain and keep appearances with kids at school when they talked about how awesome their dad was. It was apart of that whole smoke screen that my relationship between myself and my father, or lack thereof did not bother me; when obiviously we know it did. I guess at that age I was not intune with my actual feelings and emotions, I just knew I wanted to be DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL! Not just by name but by feeling!

Emotional Crutch

2012-02-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

"Single parents make great parents too."

While doing research for Unstable Cradle, I found this statement and it made me think of the stereotype or crutch used not only by parents but children who are products of a single parent home. While I am not a parent, I do not know all the struggles, but I did grow up in a single parent home, and for a while I used the absence of my father as an excuse for decisions I made in life. But that is just it I made those decisions! Yes rowing up with out a father or a mother is extremely difficult, I am not saying not to feel, however do NOT allow those feelings to cripple you. There are so many statics out there that prove growing up without a father can impact lives, from increased dropout rates to being fifteen times more likey to end up in jail. It is known for children who are missing a parent in life to act out, but at the end of the day those are their desicions or mistakes to make. You can not blame your circumstances on the fault of somebody elses lack of responsibility. If you use that sterotypical excuse for you actions a are avading responsibiliy yourself.

People do not realize it takes a village to raise a child, children are sponges and learn from their surrounding. Think about it, who are your child's role model, outside of mommy or daddy? -That is a whole nother post!

I had a student once who would act out beyond belief, he even went so far as to punch another instructor. When we had a confrence with his parent, the mother's excuse was she was a single parent! I grew up in a single parent home as you all know and I was never raised to act in such a manner, and if I did my mother would have repremanded for that choice I made! Not to say I was the perfect child or even that my mother was a perect mother, however my mother was able to be the best parent he could with or without my father. Therefore the statement should not be "single parents make great parents too," instead single parents make great parents!

Never let your PAST depict your FUTURE!!!

Turn it Around

2012-02-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

God's blessings are endless, and He has a way of restoring faith and hope in the world. I am sure a lot of you watched the show The Voice last night especially since it was on directly after the Superbowl. If you watched it you saw and heard part of the story of JESSE CAMPBELL: a devoted father and as you can tell a spectacular singer. During the quick glimpse we saw of his life, his wife walked out on their family, and Campbell with nowhere to turn with his daughter became homeless, and then eventually moved in with Campbell's brother where he then got on his feet. The brief story of his life renewed faith and compassion within me, so I wanted to know more. So very often the posts I have written on here are about a fahter walking out on the family, or abandoning his responsibilties not just as a dad but a true father, but even when most would have felt defeated Campbell kept the faith.

Campbell's story resembles Mandate although signed to Capital Records and having two hits, he did not let obstacles in the industry alongside the abrupt changes in his life discourage him, and now on The Voice he is here to do it all again for his daughter. Campbell stands out to me becasue he truly puts his daughter first, I checked his twitter the morning after the show aired and his tweet declared how busy his night had been with the influx of twitter mentions, and facebook request not to mention phone calls, but he wrote his daughter comes first and he would respond to all of that when she was in school.

His story shows us that you never know what tomorrow can bring, and what God truly has in store for you. Success is not always about finances, and it not the most important thing in life.

Look out for Jesse Campbell on The Voice.
Follow him @singjessesing
Check out his website for information and his blog. http://www.jessecampbell.com/

Mandate

2012-01-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

We are more or less at the end of the first month of the new year, and I know like most, a lot of you have made some resolutions. Things that we decide we want to change or dedicate ourselves too, unfortunately very few us actually live up to those resolutions past Janruary. I know because I am guilty of the same thing. Why is it that we need a new beginning to change and decide to make moves to better ourselves. People see critcism as a negative thing, as though other people telling you, you CAN do better is the be all end all!

Instead of interalizing that constructive criticism, why not use it constructivaly to progress. We all have our talents and we should be using them to impact lives, change minds, and for own internal happiness; but instead many of us are using our blessings to become famous or wealthy. Those things are good and of course beneficial ,but if they do not come should we give up? I have been taught that failure is not an option, but what is the true definition of failure? Trying something and it not going my way or turning out the way I expected? Is that a failure, or a lesson learned?

I do not have the answers I am searching for them myself, but I know I am not the best alyrical I can be, so should I give up hope?

Lets face it the majority of us, myself included, are hard headed and have the egotistical spirit that we know it at all, whether we do or not. Why can we not accept that we can be better individuals, and strive for that better part of ourselves. I heard this poem on Brave New Voices and it really hit home. I constantly strive to be the best, not that anything is wrong with that, but when I realize I am not I become discouraged and defeated. Instead I should be using that moment as a push of encouragement. So this year and every year after I want to take that chance and make failure my motivation!

-alyrical

COURAGEOUS

2011-12-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me over coffee the other day, "do you still blog?"

I know it has been months since I have posted any, but my life has taken drastic changes during that time, and I can not tell you how many blogs I have started and not finished and posted, due to LIFE! I am however commited to continuing to blog....
-alyrical

Where do I even begin with this movie? Most defnitely the best movie I have ever seen! Statistics show that women end up with a partner that resembles their father, and I do not mean physically but characteristics. However that does not mean it is ever womens destiny, but if every father stepped up and displayed the courage and faith displayed in Courageous, it would be the ultimate blessing.

I do not want to give away the movie becasue it is a must see, I literally cried the whole movie to see the compassion and pride these men took in becoming the best fathers and husbands they could possibly be through trails and tribulations.

Just think for a second how different the world would be today, children had a a role model that was actually their father, and his model was our one true heavenly Father.

Not only should every man watch this film,especially men with children, but women need to see it also. Men are meant to be the leader in their households, and in todays society that is lacking, especially since many are single parent households. I would love for every man to make commitments similar to the ones the men in the movie made, in my opnion the day your child is born the commitment should have been made, if not earlier. Chlidren need guidance, and while it take a village to raise a child, it starts in the household and if that family unit is already broken, children explore other alternatives. There are to many boys claiming to men, and to many dads not being fathers, and it is time for them to STEP UP!

"Where are you men of Courage?"

Be Blessed!!!

2011-08-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Recently a lot of truely amazing things have been happening in my life, I am currently work for a non-profit organization that has given me the oppurtunity to obtain my dream of being an artist while working with kids at the same time; while still keeping the same focuses of Unstable Cradle! I am finally getting back to my art(www.wix.com/stephaniegowdy/alyrical), which who ever truely knows me, understands that is my real love... and not only have I returned to my love I am actually making money for it(NOT THAT IT IS ABOUT THAT!). I am about to start my final year of school, graduating in May with my Bachelors in Business. With all this positivity fluding my life, negativity has been intruding my thoughts and my spirit constantly.

I have been truely battling this emotionally for sometime, while continuing to put on my normal brave face. The past 8 months I have learned a lot about who I am, and my actions. Everybody has the yerning to be accepted actually my pal wrote about that very thing this morning(www.yourbloodismyblood.com). I defnitely will not deny my yerning for the same thing, but this has become my complete downfall. I am a people pleaser... meaning I do anything within my abilities to accomadate others without ever taking into consideration my own needs. I can count on one hand how often how this worked out for me, but I would need a hundred hands to count how many times it has caught me in sticky situations. No dont get it twisted I am not nagging or complaining abiout things I do for other becasue I like helping poeple... but I have a problem sometimes, where the answer should be "NO" or "NOT RITE NOW," or one of the other million and one excuses I get from the same people when I turn around and ask them for help... but I never do. I expect to be treated with the same respect I give you, my time is just as valuable as yours. I did not even realize how much this was happening until a friend pointed it out to me, and then continued to acknowlegde it everytime it reoccured. The sitauation has made me very weary and cautious of people, I always use to look for the good in people, but now I am just untrusting wether I have known you for years or not. I am starting to feel like paranoia is setting in. Anyway I am working on it.. but I know it will be a never ending battle becasue I am a giver, always have been.. I mean it is truely a blessing to be able to give rather than recieve?

- @MsChay84

Speaking of blessings, as I said previously a lot of really great things are happening to me.. but I just feel some kind of way about it all. For once my life is coming together and emotionally I feel like I am falling apart all over again. I know a large portion of it is me not being in the word like I know I should be. For a period of time I was really progressing and walking forward in regards to my relationship with the Lord, but recently I feel like I am at a stand still. I will tell you the reason I first started going to church, I had a friend who I had known for years and we lost contact, then one day her and her now husband walked into my store (bath & body works) and we started talking and catching up. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Then I started to see her more frequently in the store when ever I worked and sometimes she was just coming from church, well they always seem to be filled with so much joy. I was longing to feel that same joy I felt they had. This was also rite after I had gotten out the hospital and my father and I were still not on speaking terms. So I reached out to her, and basically invited myself to church with her. From day one as I have told you in previous post I loved it! I felt so welcome, and I was building a relationship with God, started serving in different ministries within the church, I even went out and bought myself a new Bible! I was feeling good again and things were looking up. But now that I have reached this abrupt hault I find myself looking down. I found myself beginning to pull away from everybody and church as a whole... while I never delibrately missed a service or two, I did not make the proper efforts. I am now trying to get back, and I know it is just the devil trying to stop me from recieving my blessing; but the devil is a LIAR!!!! Another thing that caused me to stray, is whenever I do get closer to God and continue to build our relationship, I have these reoccuring dreams or shall I say nightmares, I dont even want to go into the dreams because they are so haunting and I refuse to even give the devil that kind of victory!

I was actually talking to a good friend(@jojoleneee) of mine about this, who is also struggling with some of the same things. We have made a pact to come up with a Devotional plan, and we will basically checkin with eachother to make sure we are staying on track and weekly we will have bible studies together, so we can really dive into the word. I love my pal, and love have a christian friend to confide in... I truely wish I had more(not to say she is the only one!).

I am truely hoping this will help get me back on track and replenish my motivation.

NO MATTER HOW HARD the devil TRIES I WILL BE BLESSED!!!!

Fairytale Ending????

2011-07-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am sure I could never imagine the suffering some foster kids endure, but there is always meant to be a light at the end of that tunnel.... adoption. But what happens when that adoption only leads to more suffering instead of that Annie fairytale ending. The other morning I woke up extremely early for a saturday, and decieded to watch the news for the first time in forever. There was a story dicussing the Florida Department of Children and Families and forster kids speaking out!
It is sad to say that some people adopt chldren for that check they will obtain every month ranging from $510-$570 monthly, instead looking out for the best interest of the children. It is like moving from one bad situation to the next... and as a child what do you do if you can not speak out for yourslef but expect a case worker to speak for you. This where I truely became appalled, when the director of DCF who's clip I show below basically says "it is what is" when it comes to children being abused after being adopted. While she attempted to expresss her piont in a more tactful manner it didnt really work out. While I may understand that the adoptive parents are not making this abuse blatant, but for her to basically shrug her shoulders of the situation of having more consistant check it absurd.
I was just enraged by the whole situation, while I have never been the situation I have friends and family members who have and I just taken back by her attitude to this tragic situation. I just though I would share with all of you....and see what you all think?

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The Perfect Stranger!!!

2011-05-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

Imagine meeting the perfect stranger, and it being your father. Giacomo Knox last saw his father in 1975 and has not seen or spoken to him for 33 years. But in 2009 Giacomo was able to reconnect and spend "A Week With His Father," and film it for all of us to see.

I must say his reality series is a must see, it is so moving, and reaches so many levels.

For a really long time you all know, at least if you have been reading my blog, I have struggled with the relationship with my father and felt resentment towards him. I was not given or demand the opportunity Giacomo was, but like Giacomo through my faith I have found peace in the situation.

Gia,como's story was amazing becaus ehe found out a lot information that was told was not all together, and the best part was his father wanted to be in his life, where he was told the opposite.
Going back to the post I wrote other day.

It took me a really long time to write this post because I just felt like no matter what I wrote I did not do it justice(still feel that way) because the webepisodes speak for themselves. And you all need to watch! It can be life changing if you let it!

Trailer: http://youtu.be/uQ6kTJrbrdY
http://www.aweekwithmyfather.com/

Well I actually was able to connect with Mr. Knox, and was more than willing to do an interview with me, (I think that why it was so nerve racking). After you al watch his movement you should definitely read the interview to gain some more insight!

ENJOY!!!

How did your faith and relationship with the lord strengthen your
situation with your dad?
I like to think that anyone who has strong faith in YHVH is

invincible. I've seen many miracles happen simply because someone
believed and acted on the belief. The only real obstacle to
meeting my dad was getting the finances together so I could shoot
the pilot. We got right down to the wire, the money showed up!
But even before then, while I had great faith in YHVH, I believe He
was calling me to do this show and reunite with my father, so I
could tell other young men and women that fatherhood is important.
And to show was real forgiveness looks like - it starts with family.

Do you feel that since you have spent that week with your father you found
peace with the relationship?
Absolutely! I wanted to know him, know why he and my mother

split up, what he's been doing since we split up, and what kind
of relationship I could expect from him now that we're adults.
As time allows, I hope to spend a lot more time with him!

What advice do you have for people that are going through similar
situations but do not have the opportunity to meet their father?
First off, the only valid reason for not having an opportunity to

meet your father is because he's no longer alive. Most resistant
people I've spoken to are either afraid or harbor some sort of
resentment toward their fathers, and it's understandable.

When a relationship breaks up, sometimes the truth is obscured as
to why a father leaves the home. The best advice I can give is to
find out the truth, or at least your father's version of the truth.
Seek him out and have an open mind. Hear his side of the story and
see if you'd like to pursue a relationship with him.

How has your relationship with your mother and her side of the family
changed?
To be honest, I think she's still a little annoyed with me for doing

this show, and I can understand. There are some old wounds that
have never healed, and perhaps the show will help along the healing
process with her as well. She's happy that I created a show of this
caliber and very supportive of my efforts, however.
As far as my mother's family, I've not spoken to most of them at
length about the project. It has caused me to look at them a little
differently, but again this show is about forgiveness. Whatever
happened way back when I was 5 is over, and I harbor no resentment
toward any of the players involved. That includes my mother!

Has your bond with your father grown since filming?
I believe we've bonded since filming the show! He lives in my home

state of New Jersey, so it's hard to speak with him on a consistent
basis. Again as time and my schedule allow, I will fly out or have
him fly out so we can spend some more quality time together.

Do you plan on continuing filming, showing the growing relationship
between you and your father?My partner Julie House and I have toyed with the idea of filming

"father and son follow ups" as a way of encouraging the viewers to
pursue relationships with their fathers. Once the show gets picked
up a by network or cable station, they will make the final
determination. I don't see it as being anything but a way to
enhance the program and further inspire the audience.

If you continue do you think you would ever get both of your parents
together to discuss what happened in the past?Now that's an idea! In my situation there is so much animosity

between my father and mother, that it seems impossible. But as I'm
fond of saying, "there is nothing impossible with YHVH!" The show
being about forgiveness, a reunion episode with the parents as a
follow up might encourage struggling couples to stay together as
well.

How do you think this experience will impact you as a father if/when you

become one?From my upbringing, to the time I spent in the Marine Corps, to my

life since then and the show, I know that I will be an excellent
father. One of the things necessary for a man to be a good father
is patience. Even at 41 I'm learning more and more about patience,
and how it applies toward child-rearing.
It's quite clear that my father made some mistakes, otherwise there'd
be no show! I know many of the things my mother told me, and many of
the things he admitted to doing, and I will use them and my personal
experiences in raising my kids.

At what point in time did you establish your relationship with god? Like
what led you to him?
Wow, this could be the longest response ever! I grew up catholic and

was very religious. Religion however hates being questioned, and
since that time I've learned to see religious traditions as a
construct of man. I left catholicism and floundered for 3 years in
"the world" before YHVH (G-d) broke me down to my knees and gave me a
choice between Him and the world.
After sometime in the Foursquare movement, I found it incomplete and
lacking real spiritual foundation. And yes, many man-made constructs.
My faith now reincorporates the Hebraic elements including Torah (The Law
of G-d or First 5 books of the Bible) that were removed from Christianity
by man-made tradition and Antisemitism. I no longer celebrate Christmas,
Easter or other religious holidays not featured in Scripture, and I no
longer worship YHVH on Sunday, opting for Saturday Sabbath rest and
worship and communing with the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit). Essentially
I call myself a Torah-Observant follower of Yahushua (Jesus), and opt to
use the Scripturally correct Set-Apart names: YHVH, etc.
What led me to Him was the same thing that we are all searching for: to
fill that "G-d shaped hole" in our heart. Some try to do it with drugs,
alcohol, sex; some do it with gods that can't or won't help them, I did it
with the One who put on human flesh and died in my place. What an awesome
love story!
I would encourage all Christians who believe we are under Grace and not
The Law to do their independent research as to what The Law actually says.
Most of us already obey G-d's Law - Yahushua died so we wouldn't have to
suffer the punishment for accidental disobedience. The Law was never set
aside by Yahushua, in fact He confirmed it. What we are no longer under
are the man-made traditions, which are impossible to keep (!) and make
null and void the Word of G-d.

The Inconvenient Truth

2011-05-12T05:02:00.000-07:00

The truth is you are misfit
uncomfortably placed in my life
forced to carry you, constantly adjusting you
attempting to dispose of you, but what does one do with something of no
market value?
see the truth is you are mistaken
convinced you know all the facts
forced to play out my life in acts
this mess of a drama is my bondage
see the reality is you are miserably confused
leaving me victim to that abuse
that common misuse of the word truth
still left with no value
see the truth is you are considerably misplaced
left in an untangled web
say i'm saying alot without saying nothing at all
but my silence speaks volumes
enough to fill dark damp steel bonded rooms
see you need some assistance
objectifying your will with no resistance
your inconvenient truth is i am living in mess cause i am misfit, mistaken,
miserably confused, and considerably misplaced.

"The Truth Without Photoshop"

2011-05-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Power of Speech!!

2011-05-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

Kids say the darn-est things, but truly kids just speak the truth. But sometime it is not always their truth but words spoken from another individual. The other night one of my students started rambling to me, you know how little kids speak about anything and everything no matter where they are. well during bible study she came up to me and said "my daddy has a brother and he is super lazy, and he does nothing for himself, and all he ever does is boss his mommy around."

Now I highly doubt that those theories and characteristic developments came from the observations of a 5 yr old, although I know children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. This sweet little girl was probably just repeating words spoken from another adult. Her words got me thinking how single parents talk about the the opposite spouse. People do not understand the power of words, and how much words can impact an individual.

I always thought of words like little seeds and once a seed it planted it can either wither away or grow, and a majority of the time it grows and flourishes. People fail to understand that a negative comments stays so much longer than a positive one, and those negative comments only water that seed. In most cases single mothers speak very harshly about the father whether they are dead beats or not. Those comments place deep rooted seeds in a child, especially because they are so susceptible to the world around them. Spreading that negativity can mold how a child looks at the absentee parent, and no matter what the parent does the child forms some sort of resentment which can make forming a relationship next to impossible.

There are so many organization willing to help individuals in circumstances such as these. The Toby Center in Boynton Beach is a prime example, the center dedicates there time to assisting single, separated, divorced and never-married parents with court ordered services including: family court mediation, supervised shared parenting (visitation), custody consultations, shared parenting plans and more!

My mother always use to tell me "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you." and as I got older I realized that statement was not all together true. Words leave the deepest scars of them all, and take the longest to heel if they ever do.

Blow A Bubble!

2011-04-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Many if you may not know,(or maybe you do) that Parent Alienation Aawareness Day is fast approaching us on April 25th, 2011. For those who do not know parental alienation is a social dynamic when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. This is usually a result of extreme marriage conflict, seperation, or divorce. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent and by the characteristics, such as lack of empathy and warmth, of the rejected parent.
Displaying a group of behaviors that are damaging to children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent.
It may not seem like exactly what Unsatble Cradle is about, but in a way it is, its not all about absentee fathers, this dynamic, is leaving the same effect on a child. I encourage everybody to become involved, and do what they can. I have listed numerous event below taking place all over the world on April 25th, and if there is not one in your area create one!

Blow a bubble for a hurting child!
http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/

PAAD EVENTS 2011

RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY FOR PARENT ALIENATION AWARENESS DAY
Time Monday, April 25 · 12:00pm - 2:00pm Poland and abroad , ,
contact: Parental Alienation Awareness Committee, kpor@googlegroups.com
We invite you to read articles about Parental Alienation and its negative effects for children, parents and society on our website: www.kpor.pl They are Polish written, but they can be easily translated into other languages, when you use Internet browser tools. Because of lack at primary PAS conception and strong and effective propaganda attacks against PAS conception and its author we do not recommend to promote activity against PAS to do not damage effects of your efforts on Parental Alienation Awareness Day.

'Bubbles of LOVE'
Monday, April 25, 2011 12:00pm
Tweed Shire Council - Murwillumbah Office - Civil Murwillumbah, New South Wales, Australia
contact: , debbycook7@gmail.com
Parental Alienation Awareness Day!!! On April 25th 2011, After the Anzac Day Parade & the official ceremonies have finished. At 12Pm I will start ...blowing ..'Bubbles of LoVe'....all are welcome!!! to come join me, to help bring world wide awareness to Parental Alienation. The PAAO Brochure will be available for interested people. Thankyou Kindly, Debby Cook

Fun in Park, theme "Bringing Families Together" In support of International Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011 1:30pm
Victoria Park Hamilton, , Bermuda
contact: Edward Tavares, etavares23@yahoo.com
We will be holding a, Fun in the Park, theme "Bringing Families Together". Minister Glen Blakeney JP. MP. of Youth, Sports, and Families, will be reading the proclamation. Also, Senator Susann Holshouser will speak and Dr. Ernest Peets will give an opening prayer. There will be games, fun castles, Muppet show, magic shows, train rides and prizes. In addition, we are working towards bringing the awareness of "Bubbles of Love April 25" noon day in Bermuda. We are happy to join hands with the world to bring this awareness and wish everyone a great success, to make the world a better place for our children.

Red Deer PA Awareness Day & Bubbles of Love BBQ!
Monday, April 25, 2011 11:00 am M
SOBEY'S eastvies, 3849 - 40th AVE Red Deer, Alberta, Canada
contact: Rhonda or Craig, parkca@hotmail.ca
Sobey's had generously sponsored our Bubbles of Love Day event! They will be hosting a BBQ at their store location as listed. We will blow those Bubbles of Love at Noon, with Panda Abuzz, face painting for the kids by Annie, an information table, books and DVD's on Parental Alienation will be for sale and more Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles!!! All Welcome!!! Hope to see you there! Co hosted by PARK and FSCA!!

Drop In
Monday, April 25, 2011 1pm
#207-230 West Broadway Vancouver, BC, Canada
contact: Dr. Jerry Arthur-Wong, men@vcn.bc.ca
The drop in will be hosted by the BC Men's Resource Centre. All are welcome.

Toronto Bubbles of Love Day
Monday, April 25, 2011 Noon-2
Yonge & Dundas Square Toronto, Ontario, Canada
contact: Sarvy Emo, sarvy@paawareness.org
Join us on April 25th at Yonge & Dundas square at the corner of Yonge and Dundas, across from the Eaton Center, on Monday April 15th to blow soap bubbles of love on Parental Alienation Awareness Day. We will be there at 11:30, ready to blow those bubbles at noon when the whistle blows. Bring your kids, your dog, your family and dont' forget your soap bubbles! Flash Mobs welcome!

Red Deer PA Awareness Day hosted by PARK- PA Risks Kids,
Saturday, April 23, 2011 12:00 pm
Parkland Mall, 67st and 50th Ave Red Deer, Alberta, Canada
contact: Rhonda Pisanello, derrhon@xplornet.com
There will be an information table set up inside the mall with Panda Abuzz Mascot handing out Easter candy for kids and the Tree of Love. Books and DVD's about parental alienation will be for sale along with PAAO brochure handouts. PARK members are hosting the event. PARK is a local support group in Red Deer for families going through Parental Alienation and they operate under the umbrella of the non-profit, Family Services of Central Alberta. All welcome!

Love Is For Everyone! Bubbles of Love
11:30am
Centennial Park Accessible Playground Barrie, Ontario, Canada
contact: Paulette MacDonald, completewellness@sympatico.ca
http://www.waymarking.com/waymarks/WMFTG_Centennial_Park_Accessible_Playground_Barrie_Ontario_CANADA
Love Is For Everyone! Write a Love Poem for your Child or Children and make a sign to post it on with pictures from when you were together… Bubbles of Love (Don’t forget to bring your bubbles and be creative!) – Children have the right to love and be loved by both their parents! We will have information available on Parental Alienation…

Public Information Desk for PAAD 2011, April 25
Saturday, April 23, 2011 11:00am
Biebergasse Frankfurt, , Gemany
contact: Thilo Muehlberger, shg@pas-rhein-main.de
We have a public information desk with posters, flyers, bubbles an so on in the inner city of Frankfurt. See our press release for this event also: http://www.pas-rhein-main.de/pressemitteilungen/2011-04-18_PAAD

Poland and abroad , , Poland
contact: Maciej Wojewódka,
I invite you for discussion about Parental Alienation and its negative effects for children, parents and society on Internet forum (Polish), which is linked below: http://www.goldenline.pl/forum/alienacja-rodzicielska Because of lack at primary PAS conception and strong and effective propaganda attacks against PAS conception and its author I do not recommend to promote activity against PAS conception to do not damage effects of your efforts on Parental Alienation Awareness Day.

Easter Bubbles of Love
Noon
plac Szczepañski, Kraków, Poland Kraków, , Poland
contact: Mr Maciej Wojewódka, kpor@googlegroups.com
We are inviting you to blow soap bubbles at noon for at least 10 minutes on April 25th 2011 with us. We will be blowing small and big soap bubbles to show that love carry us high and it can be break, as it happens because of Parental Alienation. We will be there already at 11.30 a.m.

Dia Internacional para a Consciencialização sobre a Alienação Parental
Monday, April 25, 2011 0h
Apartado 9865, Postal Code 1911-701 Lisbon, Porto, Coimbra, Évora, , Portugal
contact: , igualdadeparental@gmail.com

Bubbles of LOVE in Sweden
Monday, April 25, 2011 11:30 AM
Entrance Domus Kristianstad, , Sweden
contact: Hans-Inge Hansson, hihansson@hotmail.com
Domus entrance 25 April 11:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. bring the kids, family and friends and show that children's best interests must come first and not one parents. Bubbles will be blown starting at noon to show that just like bubbles, LOVE cannot and should not be contained.

Mothers For Justice Peaceful Protest for Parental Alienation Awareness
Monday, April 25, 2011 3pm
1315 10th Street Sacramento, CA, USA
contact: Mothers for Justice,
Join Mothers For Justice to protest peacefully with us and advocate for the rights of parental alienated and abused children in California. We will be at the capitol on April 25th at 3pm-4pm rain or shine. For more information, go to http://www.mothersforjustice.com/

Gathering of Family and Friends of Targeted Parents
Monday, April 25, 2011 7:00pm
Local Restaurant Rochester, NY, USA
contact: Tiana May, tianamay.rochpas@yahoo.com
Friends and family of members of the Rochester Parental Alienation Support and Resource Group will be gathering at a local restaurant on April 25th to commemorate the day. Event will be covered by a local cable-access show. Pink and blue bows will be placed on doorsteps, lamp posts, and trees during the month of April while fliers will be posted throughout the community to promote Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Bubbles will be blown at the event and brochures made available.

Bubble and Candlelight Visual for Parental Alienation Awareness Day
Monday, April 25, 2011 9:30pm
Broad & Parrish Philadelphia, PA, USA
contact: Leigh, leigh.garnett@truessenceangels.org
Bubbles will be blown and candles will be lit to open the eyes of this awful form of child abuse that seems to be overlooked and misunderstood. The ladies will be given bubbles and the men candles. A prayer shall be said for the victims and literature passed out.

BUBBLES OF LOVE DFW
Monday, April 25, 2011 11:00am
Central Park in Shops of Southlake SOUTHLAKE, TEXAS, USA
contact: WENDY ARCHER, wendyarcher@rocketmail.com
LOVE takes us all higher and the bubbles represent that LOVE. Just like bubbles, LOVE can not and should not be contained. Every child should be free to show LOVE and affection for both of their parents. Can you imagine the pain a child feels when they must "contain" their LOVE and affection for one of their parents? Remember the simple JOY of blowing bubbles? Children should get to experience the JOY of loving both parents! Please join us for BUBBLES OF LOVE DAY on April 25th and help us blow bubbles in support of children having the JOY of LOVE! Bubbles of LOVE Day DFW is family and pet friendly. Please email Wendy Archer for more information or to volunteer for this very special event.

4th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day Candlelight Vigil
Friday, April 29, 2011 6:00 PM
South Steps State Capitol 1900 Kanawha Blvd East Charleston, WV, USA
contact: Kelly Rice, kellyrrice@hotmail.com

Parental Alienation Awareness Day
Monday, April 25, 2011 8:30 am
West side steps of Marion County Courthouse 100 Hi Salem, OR, USA
contact: Kevin, messagesunlimited@gmail.com
Make a poster with photos of you and your child when you were together and meet us in front of the Marion County Courthouse to share your love and spread the word about this abuse that needs to be stopped. April is child abuse awareness month and alienating a child is a sever form of abuse. Every child has the right to love and to be shown love by both of its parents. We’ll be there from 8:30am to noon.

Bubbles of love
Noon - 4pm
Se Brentwood Park Portland, Or., USA
contact: todd maudlin, toddmaudlin@yahoo.com
Brentwood Park on Se. 60th & Duke. Noon-4 with music, food, drinks, bubble blowing, and literature on Parental Alienation. Also will be a live number to call for a FREE one on one phone consultation for Parental Alienation support!! Come have fun with the community and blow bubbles to spread love to the kids and parents effected by this horrible abuse everyday. Contact:Todd @ toddmaudlin@yahoo.com

International Bubbles of Love Committee
Monday, April 25, 2011 Noon
contact: Bubbles of Love Committee, bubbles2011love@gmail.com
We are inviting you to blow soap bubbles at noon your time for at least 10 minutes on April 25th 2011 with us. Join us to show that love carry us higher and it cannot be contained, as it happens because of Parental Alienation. We are inviting you to join to our International Bubbles of Love Committee as well. At our Committee we share knowledge, experience and ideas on how to make the Bubbles of Love Campaign the most effective way, everywhere.

Location THE TOBY CENTER
1100 S. Federal Drive, Suite 7
Boynton Beach, FL
Contact: www.thetobycenter.org
Tel. 561-509-6112
A ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by the Boynton Beach Chamber of Commerce in acknowledgement of Parental Alienation Awareness Day.
Proclamations will be delivered beginning at noon by Palm Beach County Commissioner,Steve Abrams and Boynton Beach Mayor, Jose Rodriguez. with at the Toby Center. Additional invited guests include Congressman Alan West. Rabbi Barry Silver will give the convocation.
Meet and greet professoinals, researchers,parents advocates. Students from Lynn University who are majors in Social Work, Pre Law and Psychology are also expected. They want to become part of the Toby Center summer internship program.
Refreshments will be provided.

Lone Soldier

2010-12-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

Live And You Learn

2010-10-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well first off I would like to say that I am sorry for offending or hurting anyone in my last post, I was just stating how I felt about a situation that happened to me, and I felt in a way I got played and it hurt. I always remember my mom teaching me there are three sides to every story your, mine and the truth. Since being in the hospital I been plagued by a lot of what ifs? What if I hadn't opened up to that individual/ what if i Hadnt snapped that day? what if I never wrote that last post? But that is done now, and you live and you learn and I have defnitely learned a lot. But thankfully through this situation I have been able to sift through and determine the people who are important to me and I them. I must say how thankful I am to a good friend of mine who I have known since I was a sophmore or junior in high school, and she has alwasy been good to me. Well I decided to go to church with her this past sunday, and I will continue going each and every sunday. Before this time it feels like its been months since I have been to church, which is not usually like me, but my mom has been working a second job and her shifts are on sundays.Plus now I am working three jobs, going to school fool time and trying to run my line. Anyway I absolutely loved her church, I was talking to my friends fiancee and he siad church is only place you can go and everytime you go, the pastor says exactly what you needed to hear that day, like it was just meant for you! That is exactly how I felt. Going to her church made me feel like I was back in Memphis, just that family feeling, and I am going to start helping our with Sunday school just like I did at Breath of Life with Sabbath school. Now I admitt that I have done some wrong doings in my past, but I am no longer going to dwell on them, its time to move forward and look towards the future! "Becasue he has a blessing with my name on it!" But I am not going to get it if I continue to dwell on the past, and I am not saying its easy, actually its really hard but I am going to get through it, with his help and the help of the ones who truely love me!

I again wrote that a couple days ago and just hadnt posted yet becasu ethere was more I wanted to add, but now I have some really great news, or shall I say a blessing in disguise. Two days ago my father became very ill and was rushed to the Emergency room in Miami. I got a call from my grandmother around 10:00pm that hse didnt really know what was going on but that they were going to have to do emergency surgery. So my mother and quickly packed a bag a and got in the car on our way. When I got there they were just about to take him back into surgery and he was kind of out of it, but he woke up enough to see me, and needless to say he was shocked to see me. Words cant discribe how much love I felt for him at that moment, not to mention fear; especially since I asked the surgent what is going on, and response was "I dont know." Anyway he made it through surgery just fine and the worst part is over, but no one knows how scared I was, evenafter the doctor came in the waiting room and said its done and everything is going to be okay. After he left recovery and went him to his ward/room he still looked shock to see me there, and we got to talk for a little bit. When we were getting ready to leave the hospital he looked up at me reahed his arm out for a hug and said "I love you," it took everything in me not to cry. While I would have like to have met on better circumstances I really think this a stepping stone to a better relationship, and i have spoke to him everyday since the surgery.

Also that same day I had my first counseling session, and it went very well, it was more me talking and letting her know about me,but we are now goign to meet every tuesday. Also I found my sister on facebook, that may not sound like a big deal but I have not seen or spoken to her in years and I must say I missed her and my nephew.... so now we have exchanged number and we are going to try and communicate more...
Now there is not where to go but UP!

I've been Baker Acted!

2010-10-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Well I know it’s been a super long time since I posted anything, but life has been a huge jumbled mess the past couple of months and it finally erupted over the past couple weeks. Well in the past I have given everybody very brief descriptions about what has happened in life, mostly revolving around my father. But some very disturbing things have happened in my past and over the past couple weeks that I really need to get off my chest and writing and painting are my two main releases. For the past couple of years besides the problem with my dad I have also had some problems with my mom but more importantly I have problems with myself. I guess I will tell you the main thing and then things will all fall into place I guess. When I was 16 I attempted to take my life, I wasn’t so much unhappy with myself but unhappy with my circumstance and I felt as though they couldn’t be changed, and that the only way out was to stop breathing permanently. Only one person knew of my attempt and that was the person who saved me, so I started going to therapy but I didn’t stay in it long enough to make any true break threw. Well I had never told anyone about this event until recently, when I felt myself coming to that breaking point. This time the feeling was a little different, I had no intention nor did I want to hurt myself, but I wanted to be gone. I did not want anything physical to happen to me, especially not by my own hand but I wanted to disappear off this earth. I told someone that I thought was a really good friend. Well I guess words got slung around and some where in there they were taken out of context and she thought I had attempted to harm myself recently; and her response more than shocked me. The individual decided to abruptly delete me from facebook, unfollow me on twitter and delete me from her BBM, with out uttering a word to me. Eventually I realized and confronted her in disbelief and her response was…

“u need help and I cant help you. I can’t have it on my heart and mind that u want to commit suicide. I have a lot going on in my life. U need someone to help u sort that out…Therefore until u get ur life straightened out I can no longer continue my friendship w u…Hope u seek the help you need”

A little hurt and upset I attempted to explain to her that it was a long time ago, and after that she became even more enraged and told me…

“When u get ur life together u can hit me back. I don’t have time to play games. U played me by sayin all that to get my attention or to get attention period. Its time to grow up already, suicide is NOTHING TO PLAY WITH! Take some time to find yourself.”

Now first I would like to make it known that really could careless if she paid attention to me or not, most of time it didn’t feel like she cared about me anyway. I still ask myself why I chose her to open up to in the first place, maybe because she messaged me first asking if I was okay? But wait the story gets better I guess in caring nature, or make herself feel better she wrote my mother a letter saying that I was attempting to kill myself, well as a result my mother took me to the hospital where I was admitted for three days at St. Mary’s Hospital for Mental Health. That was most definitely an unforgettable experience. Everybody kept asking me if I was mad at the individual and for a while I wasn’t, I felt that by writing my mother for the first time it showed she actually cared about me, but then I thought and was like she deserted me basically when I needed her the most and no matter how hard I try to see it her way, I think that is the worst thing you can do to someone who was in my situation. To me if I was really on edge, her turning her back on me would have pushed me over it. And now she still will not communicate with me for nothing in the world, I am positive she doesn’t even know I was admitted. Since that conversation with her that Friday after noon my life and my emotions have kind of been a big downward spiral. But I took her advice while I was locked up under the Baker Act “take some time to find yourself” and I am working on that, to not only find myself to live my life for myself...
I am not going to lie some positive did come out of the experience even though I was kind of upset with my mother for Baker Acting me , even after I told her the individual was full of it, but I know that she was worried about me and truly just wanted me to be okay. While in the hospital I was told that I am bi-polar and that I suffer from depression, which I already knew but who doesn’t. But the bi polar thing kind of sense, I have extreme uncontrollable anger and the smallest thing can cause me to snap and then 15 minutes later after I scream, break some stuff , and curse a couple people out I am my happy go lucky self again. A lot of people do not know that because I would like to think I hide it well, but the truth is most people don’t care enough to pay attention. Even the individual who I have known for years said to me “ohhh boy I have never seen yiu like this….angry” I get so angry all the time and that is usually why I snap at people constantly, and I am always on the defense. I have this scenario in my mind that continues to play, that makes me feel that every time someone says something to me or questions my thoughts or actions I feel like I am being attacked so I attack back just like in middle school. The before mentioned “friend” once told me “you have a voice use it,” well I feel the only time it actually is heard is when I am yelling. The good news for the most part I know what my problems are, the only thing now is solving them, I thought about going back to counseling, but while it will be nice to have someone to talk to who actually listens, but I don’t know if it would actually help.

I wrote that a couple days ago but never posted it, well I finally got a hold of the letter the individual wrote to my mother. To be hones it just confused me even more, because although some of the stuff she wrote I personally feel is not true, the letter made it seem like she cared… I have one question that I want to ask her, which would confirm wether she is lying and whether or not she cares. If I hadn’t have noticed that you deleted me, where you going to say anything? She talks as though eventually one day we will be friends again, but I do not know how true that is, because I don’t think she wants to, and dependent on the answer she gives me to that question I don’t know if I can because can I truly trust her again. Not to mention the fact she posted parts of our conversation on twitter, and sent out a BBM blast, but she says it was accident and sent out a bbm blast apology, but still never said a word to me. Now about my experience in the hospital or more of the aftermath, to be honest I have felt like since I got out I feel like a crazy person. Like I actually have problems, and I know I am not tweaking crazy but somtimes I just feel even more emotionally unstable now than I did before I went in. My boyfriend says it is probably because being there and talking so much about suicide only made me relive the previous attempt that I never truly dealt with. Also I feel like since it happened maybe just because I am more aware, I feel like I hear about suicide everywhere non-stop. That alone is driving me crazy. It gets to the point were I go through such a rollercoaster of emotions that I get sad then I get so angry, beyond angry that I just cry, because I feel like I cant do anything else.

2010-07-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

About 10 days ago I was sitting on the couch watching tv,while my mom was in the kitchen and I called out to her and said "mom I really love you" and she said " I love you too baby......... Are you okay?" I responded "yeah, why???" And she went on to say " I don't know, you just been acting strange, things between you and Micheal ok? Something you said, don't you miss your dad?" I thought for second and thought where should I even start to answer all those questions; I started with my dad because nothing was wrong between Mike and I, we have our up and downs, but nobody is perfect. My answer was "of course I miss my dad." Truth be told I have been missing him even when he was a part of my life! We started talking and she told me I should tell him I miss him, My mom told me that apparently he told my grandmother that it is going to take time! Which is more than understandable, look how long it took me to be able express my feelings!

I had begun writng that back in April, and just never posted it I dont know why but some progression has happened since that conversation between my mother and myself that day.. I actually ran into my dad at his job, and while intensity was high we did talk for a brief moment. Unstable Cradle was never mentioned, he didn't bring it up and I sure as hell wasn't going to! We continued on with small talk for about 5 minutes with awkward questions about school, mike, and basketball; and all though it wasnt in-depth converstaion I was so happy we at least spoke.

Dreaming....

2010-03-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

The other night I an extremely vivid dream, I really thought it was reality... and a huge part of me wishes it was reality!

I was at my fathers house, and I had spent the night there, and the dream began in the morning and I still can not recall who was with me, but the made me a hott drink(something my dad has every morning before he does anything). I rememeber thinking or maybe I said to the person I can't recall I am very suprised I am at my dad, and we are being civil and he hasnt asked to talk to me about Unstable Cradle. At that moment in the dream my father came around the corner with a cup of tea in hand, and smiled at me and whispered in my ear we should have lunch today, so we can talk. And I replied of course with a smile on my face, but in the dream I felt nervous as hell!!!! Then I woke up!!!

Now my mother has always said that dreams don't run straight, and sort of the opposite happens, but for the most part a significant amount of my dreams have become reality. I am hoping, praying, and wishing ona star that this one comes true!

Blood of Lyrics II

2010-03-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have been told I've got some thick a** blood flowing through my veins

Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...

"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."

See that lesson played over and over in mind

I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks

That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts

I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots

Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before

A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life

I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep

Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!

Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me

With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor

I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong

Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night

Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel

Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday

Attempting to forget those blood stained walls

Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood

Thin like the water in the tears I cry

The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts

Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut

Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores

Some say the blood in my vein is shallow

Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas

I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence

Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant

Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak

Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts

Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins

This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane

Keeps bringing back to these familar places

Blood from my sores over flowing in the room

Attempting to donate to save a life.

But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken

Nobody wants whats tainted

You heard my story, would you?????

I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken

I do not know if you guys remember this poem is is actually the very first post on my blog, which seems like so long ago. I remember when I first wrote this I had a couple people who were meant to be close to me read it, but I did not intially tell them I wrote it... and the response was insane.. they all said who ever wrote this is disturbed and has serious anger issues... and the only person who read it and assummed rite away I wrote it was Mike and my mother. But yet its like more and more I relive that poem, and fel that way everyday, and nobody get's it! I am angry all the time, and I end up snapping on people, and I guess I put on a good front, because a friend of mine told me she is never seen me down, or not bubbly! But the truth is I am not bubbly or happy... I mean I have happy moments that are surrounded by my sadness.

The other day I was talking to Mike about this, and he was asking me why and I really could not come up with a reason for why I am so messed up...and I started to cry, so naturually he asked why I was crying and I couldn't answer that either, it's like I am so unhappy/angry all the time that I get so angry that I become sad, and I just cry.... and I guess thats meant to make me feel better and it does for the moment until I start to think again. I never use to be like this I dont know what happened to me?!?!?! I am really hoping I will snap out of it, but some how I really dont think so, and I try to talk to people about and they really think its a joke, and nobody gets it! A lot of stuff has happened in the past, things that nobody knows about, and I dont know if that is the source of my anger. But I know that keeping all the secrets aren't helping me at all!!!

I've been holding my breath and

Im running out of air

Have you ever looked fear and the face and said I dont care?

Its not fair

I am reaching the piont of no return

I would never pull the triger but i have cried wolf a million times

I would never wish this feeling

I have lost my mind

And im bleeding out inside

You turned me out, and I cant turn back

I sometimes wish I could stop the flow of oxygen

And along with it stop all pain, fear, and hurt

The combination is sufficating

And Im running out of air

TOO LATE????

2010-03-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

it is never too late!!! I got this clip from @absentdad , the man i have written about in previous posts, who fears that this is what will happen between him and his daughter, and it is not for lack of trying.In my opinion it is never too late to mend a relationship, especially one between father and child. Although that the longer the gap the harder that is going to be! Sometimes people do not even realize that there isnt a real bond or relationship there, you can see someone everyday and have a quick discussion but that does not mean have a real relationship and that in it self can be defined as absentee! And as the little comic strip shows materialistic things do not help at all.... I just think if you truely care then no matter what you are going to attmpt to have some sort of relationship, nobody said it would be easy that you will become the best of friends, but why not try!

Spring Break

2010-02-18T06:25:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody...I know, I know I have not blogged in a minute, but school and work combined have been kicking my butt! Good news is that in a week I will be going on a mini-vacay! Meaning I will have some free time to relax and write to my hearts' content! In the near future "Unstable Cradle" will be making some drastic changes, in its look, and content! I will still be posting about the same topic, but I will be approaching it from a different perspective.
Thsnk You!
I appreciate all the support!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!

2010-01-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Well we all know since my father found out about "Unstable Cradle" our relationship like this cake have been up in the air. Well I did wish him a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" via text, which I recieved no response to, which of course I did not expect one! Well I even debated buying him a card...but enlight of what he said about his Christmas card I thought best I didn't. In my eyes it's like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!! Of course went on and on about how I should I buy one, but I thought about it and consulted with others..and thought it might not be in my best interest....especially since at this piont I would have no idea what to write inside. And the writer in me wont let me send a card that just says Happy Birthday in it...

I know that my father still reads this blog, and I am pretty sure it is him that comments anonymously, but I dont know! If he does read, dad I just wanted to tell you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Fighting!!

2010-01-14T05:46:00.000-08:00

Well I have been meaning to write the post for weeks now! But first off I want to say I hope you all are helping and praying for Haiti! Haiti is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere and has unfortunately suffered another tragedy to their country as a result of this earthquake. And if we remember in the past when Haiti has exprecienced past tragedies they just do not have the resources, and things needed to be flown into them! The country is now going through devastaion with the multiple lives lost, multiple injured, and the rubble they are left with(that will need to be built back up). Every little bit counts! I pray that everyone is doing what ever they can to help this country that is less fortunate than ours!

Well on my last post I told you why Unstable Cradle had been down for a couple days, so in the post I told you why! Well somebody anonymously wrote "F*** Off!" Like I posted previously I am not stopping!! Do I recognize I have hurt individuals in the process? YES! Am I sorry? YES, but that does not mean that I am just going to help healing myself through my writing..and helping all the people that also read this website!

I spoke with an individual recently that said to me "it becomes a time in your life when you just got to let it go, otherwise you are only hurting yourself." While that is true, this website helps me let it go... I had been holding in for a very long time before i created Unstable Cradle; and I am not going to lie it was driving me crazy, although I ATTEMPTED to not allow others to see that I was!

So like I said through all the hate, and harsh words you want to my way.. but I will not be broken, aslong as I have the Lord by my side I will stand strong and I will not be silenced!
Actually despite some of the negative feedback I have been recieving I actually want to Unstable Cradle BIGGER and BETTER!!! but I cannot do it alone...aI need the help of all of you..with your continueous support!!!

Going Down!!!

2010-01-04T05:18:00.001-08:00

"Though you cannot go back and make brand new start, my friend anyone can start from now, and make a brand new end!!!"

"You have to make a choice in everything you do, remember that, that choice makes you!"

I am sure you all are aware that "Unstable Cradle" has been down for a little while now...well that is becasue my father found out about it! I am not going to get into great detail, but lets just say he was not best pleased! A lot of people are not pleased with what I have done, and I do apologize, but on the other hand people have been telling me I need to do what is best for me and worry about me for a change for years....so I finally did that! Words can never explain how much the website and talking with all of you has helped me! Now granted I maybe should have not posted so much information about what my father has done and who he is: but those are all things I have seen and that he has done to me...it was helpful for me to get it out of my system and for you all to understand what I was going through to understand the purpose of "Unstable Cradle." Well due to what was going on, I took down the site, and was thinking of terminating it permantely, but recieved a lot of support from you all to but back up(love you guys!!!), so instead I deleted those post...and I am continue with the website. It is helping you and it is helping me!!!

It was a very MERRY Christmas!!!

2009-12-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well as you all know Christmas just passed, and as i previously mentioned I went to visit my father's! Now before we jump to conclusions it actually went extremely well. The word nervous no where near describes how I felt on the drive to the his house....my mom said she was going to drop me off, and along the way I had to stop and pick up a card for him. Selecting cards for my father is always the hardest thing to, because lets be honest they say everything he is not! At this moment in time I was a little happy about this because it postponed our meeting! Finally I found one that said all that a father should be...and following all the passionate words it read "like a father should be...." never stating that he was or is...so it was PERFECT! Now back on the road to his home, near approaching his house I talked my mom into at least walking up to the door ro say "hello" and "merry christmas!"

As I reached the front step, my heart was racing, and had flashbacks of our fights and some of hurtful things he said the last time we spoke and I was in that house. He opened the door and invited my mother and I in. With my hand shaking profusely I handed him his carefully chosen Christmas card. I quickly placed my things down on the coach and my mom sat down as I ran to the ladies room... when I returned my fatheer was gone... a few seconds later he returned and handed me an orange box, and mumbled "i never did get a chance fi rap it..." I began to read the long passage on the front... but to be honest I skimmed and was thinking what the heck is in this box???? I opened the box and there was a Struhrling watch inside; with a million pieces of paper the read "warranty", "manual" and many more. I quickly put it on! My father turned to me and asked "you like it.." me with a grin on my face nodded yes; he continued "I have the same one, but mine a likkle bigger fi de males dem" as he held up his rist to show me! Now of cousre I felt a little bad, my mom kept nagging for me to buy him a gift, and I said no; all i bought him was a card and he gave me a $200 almost $300 watch!

Later I spoke to hubby and he jokingly said "gonna have to shut Unstable Cradle down!" Now let me make this clear like I have said in the past other all the things I post on this website about my father are all true but no matter what I still and always will LOVE him!! Granted he was in a really good mood when I visted, good enough for my mother and I to stay for over an hour...my dad from what you all have previously read is not always like that. After mothe and Isaid god bye and recieved very loving huggs from him we proceeded to the car; and as we pulled away we discussed how we ould tell my father is lonely and that fairly sixed house all by himself! My mother said to me "you know that website is going to break his heart!" then she thought for a second and proceeded to say "although letting him know what he did to you may be good for him!" I though about what she said... and it will truely break him, but at the same time like she said he needs to know how he broke me! I thought about maybe withdrawing from Unstable Cradle for a minute, but this theraputic to me...and a majority of my life is spent trying to please and satisfy other people; its time i do something for me! And regardless of how my father acted this visit...he changes completely from one moment to the next!

@Down2theLow

2009-12-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

Since I started blogging almost a year now, I have really got into reading other peoples blogs...I LOVE IT!! One of the blogs I really love reading among the many is http://mydownlowlife.blogspot.com/ you all should definitely check it out, and now I am hooked on her book! Anyway after reading her blog a couple times, I can't remember why at first but I emailed her for something....and we have been emailing about everything and anything ever since! She is a phenomenal and intelligent woman, and she is extremely easy to talk to. She herself did not have the best relationship with her father growing up, she has not told me the full story yet but when she does she has given me premission to share it with all of you!

Well have you all have seen any of my tweets, you probably know my father in not well and it has been like pulling teath to get a hold of him or even find out what was wrong with him through anybody! Anyway when I found out that he was not well, of course I was worried, because no matter what I will always and forever love my father...I just do not appreciate a lot of the things he does! Well I began talking to @down2theLow about my feelings to father in regards to my blog... that if anything ever happened to him in away I would never forgive myself for not telling him about this site and how I really feel! As soon as I found out he was ill I called constantly adn left voicemails and never heard back from him! I finally spoke to him this morning, when he finally answered the phone! Boy, was that conversation awkward! He gave me one word reponses the whole time, and still did not give me much information about him being sick. Then he abruptly hung up, with no real goodbye! I am not going to lie I was a little hurt, but what was I really expecting we are talking about my father!

Throughout it all along with Mike, @down2thelow has been helping me deal with it the last couple days. She is truely awesome and always there with an open heart and mind sharing her guidance and wisdom! I love her!!

GOOD MAN PROJECT

2009-12-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

We all know Christmas is quickly approaching, and as I mentioned before my mother and myself are suppose to attend my grandmothers dinner at my dads house. While doing research today for "Unstable Cradle" I came across this book/documentary... and was thinking it maybe an awesome gift for my father. I am really anxious to see my father for Christmas, but at the same time, I really want him to know how I feel, by either siting him down and tell him(which will probably never happen) or directing him to this blog. I hate to say this but if I did buy him the documentary or book he probably would not read/watch it anyway and if he did he would not understand why I gave it to him or the significance of it. In two days it will be my birthday and I am really hoping to get a phone call from him wishing me happy birthday but I am not holding my breath!

http://www.goodmenbook.org/thedocumentary.php

I desperately wish my father could or would be a good man, while I know nobody is perfect it would be awesome if dad truely made an attempt to be a better man! While everybody has their own definition of a good man their is no way my father believes that what he has done or hasn't done is the correct definition!

2009-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

As you all probaly know I have been trying to spread the word about "Unstable Cradle" anyway possible, and through that I have got to know some really amazing people like @JennRaines who have shared their stories with me. Well now you tell you about another person I met @lpoollad2009 or Ged.
Despite all Ged went through emotionaly and physically with his father and mother when growing up, he has grown to be an amazing and successful man.
Although not shy when Ged and I first began to talk he was very limited with the information he expressed with me, but the more we began to talk, the more he started to open up.
I was a lot like Ged when growing up, in the aspect that although are fathers were abusive towards us and our mothers, we still loved our fathers dearly and it was almost like they were doing no wrong even though we knew they were. Ged's father use to physically abuse him, and as a result of his fathers abuse he pushed his mother away, because he blamed her. Ged's mom left his father when Ged was four and his father past a year later, and because he thought his mom knew of the abuse he blamed her and at the age o twelve moved in with his grandmother and cut off all communication despite her attempts for six years. Until his grandmother pasted and he realized he did need his mom and opened up enough have commincation with her! Ged has now as an adult released all of those ill feelings he had about his mother and blaming her for his fathers death!
And has progressed into a phenomenal man, who is so sweet and caring...you couldn't find a better friend! Follow him on twitter @lpoollad2009

More Influences...

2009-12-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

After publishing the post about influential men in my life, I thought that through the rough relationship I have had with my dad, there have been some women, who have really helped me a lot, and influenced my life as well!

First we have Zipporah or Zippy, where do I even began... Zippy has always been there for me, friends since the 7th grade she knows all to well how my father acts. She has been there for the arguing(or him yelling), been at family functions that he attended, everything. Zippy was the friend I told you about that was at the hotel with me when my dad came by to yell at me for two hours. She is also the girl who intoduced me to the before mentioned James. Zipporah has always been there to tell me when I maybe making a mistake, counsel me, party with me, and just be goofy with me. Actually today is her birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZIPPY!!! When my life was a mess, she helped me put it back together, and got me out of Palm Beach to Orlando where we shared an apartment(while that did not turn out the way we expected). I still love her and miss her, we were best friends. She is one of the few people I can always be myself around, and she excepts me for all of my craziness...

I LOVE YOU ZIPPORAH!!

While living in Orlando I met this amazing woman, the love of my life; through a mutual friend. Although I have not known Melissa as long as Zipporah she has definitely become a very close friend extremly fast. She is so easy to talk to and is always there to back me up! Although I am always giving her guidance, trying to stop her from making the mistakes as me, she has helped me learn so much about myself and grow as an individual at the sametime. She was there to help me when in transition when I moved out of my apartment, she came to help me pack up all my stuff(and I had a lot of stuff...lol). Now that I am back in Palm Beach she has driven down and visited me multiple times, sometimes I have not been able to see her, because of bbw(sorry my love), but she stands by me through thck and thin regardless. Mel has got to be my biggest supporter besides Mike... and she always there to party with!! I do not know what I would do with out this chica... when my dad is being his normal self, she helps remind me that it's not my fault, and that one day he will come around and recognize his mistakes(we hope)!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MELISSA!!!

Then we had Mrs.Wax, my high school chemistry teacher but more importantly my friend. I have known her since my sophmore year of high school, and she has always pushed me and helped me to be the best I can be. Many years and tutoring sessions later we have become very close, especially since I moved back to Palm Beach, we frequently meet for lunch or dinner, to catch up(because we tell eachother pretty much everything). She always keeps me laughing with her craziness, and whitty remarks. During high school when I was having the most problems with my dad she was always there offering a shoulder to lean on. My senior year of high school I moved away and graduated from another school...it was really sad, I missed her! I didn't even take a science class that year, nobody could ever replace Mrs.Wax!

THANKS MRS.WAX, LOVE YA!!!

Next we have Marla or Marly, my cousin and Peter's sister! Marla has always been there for me, ever since I began spending my summers in Memphis, she is like an older sister to me. Just like Peter and I we use to get on eachother nerves, and still do..lol! But through our difference of opinions and everything, there is always one thing we will always agree on, WE LOVE EACHOTHER!! She recently read my blog, and was like how come I am not in it...lol, here you go Marly!lol! Although she lives far away, she is always there in spirit, and only one call away offering her support and her very voiced opinion!

I LOVE YOU MARLA!!!

Lastly, but defintely not least we have my crazy pal Jessenia, we have quickly became friends. She is an amazing woman, she was there for me before we even met! Myspace then Facebook friends at first she is the person who inspired me to blog in the first place.. with one of her imfamous qoutes "BE HEARD!" She is obviously a fellow blogger(http://www.yourbloodismyblood.com/), on her quest to find her birth mother! She has always been like a big sis to me, there offering her guidance and support, helping me to make the rite descions,motivate me, and just all around help me to be a better myself, helping to learn some things about myself, and who I want to be! Mike use to call her "twin," because everytime he called, and asked what I was doing, the majority of the time involved Jessenia, wether it was, eating, working out, shopping, poetry clubs, her blog, tweeting(@iamadopted), meetings, her inspiring qoutes, and did I mention eating...lol(we did that a lot)! We both attend the same University, well she attends I am enrolled; but she is soon moving to be with her man, I am going to be so sad, who am I going to workout, act silly, eat, and tell crazy stories with! She is always reminding me, though I may never be at peace with the relationship I have with my father or lack there of, but I will find peace through Christ Jesus who is our true father!

I LOVE YOU JESSENIA!!!

His Journey!

2009-12-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of meeting a fellow blogger, a gentlemen by twitter name @AbsentDad, I must admit when I first cam accross his twitter name that is what got me interested, I immediately assumed that it was someone going through the same struggle I was.... but after I read his blog(http://absenteedad.blogspot.com/), and speaking to him I soon learned his story is a little different, a story you unfortunately do not hear as much as mine!

Me and @AbsentDad began emailing eachother and he told me his story, I do not want to give to much away becasue he has a blog of his own that he is going to post on, but the short story is he was dating a woman for a short period and when he decieded he still wanted to be with his ex, causing him to stop dating the woman, she found out she was pregnant. He attempted to do the correct thing by being there for the woman baring his child and still being faithful in his relationship, but after a long struggle the woman requested him to stay out of her and his daughters life! HE DID! The thing different about him is he has regreted that ever since... his blog is his road back to his daughter after 16yrs of no contact! He has recently began e-mailing her, but she is not to open, but I have expresssed to him she will open up when she is ready, look how long it took me! I have never heard the story told form this point of view, I commend him, too many men leave and never look back! People may say well he never should have given up in the first place, but you do not know what he was going through, and nobody is perfect and the operative point is that he is now attempting to rectify the relationship!
In closing @AbsentDad wrote this to me in an email, and I attempt to remind myself of this everyday, that this is not my fault, but everybody makes mistakes...and I know it may not seem that way i forgive me dad for what he has done; like I said in a way I am thankful for it...becasue it made me the strong woman I am today!

"This is a very different situation from yours, but here is the essential similarity: what happened with your father is NOT your fault! You did nothing wrong. Adults mess up and do painful things that leave scars, but the core fact is it is not your fault, failure or shortcoming that caused it.it's good to feel your pain, own it and experience it ... and then it is good to do what you can to move beyond it, not let it own you. Some people wear their pain as a continual badge of honor; it defines them but also controls them. Not saying you're doing this, just saying that, while it may be ironic that I'm giving this advice, I have lived using my pain as a shield & sword ... and maybe I was an absent father because of it. The experience of having and leaving L___ was what made me finally go to therapy and hopefully grow."

You all should FOLLOW @AbsantDad on twitter and most definitely FOLLOW his blog to hear the whole story and see him proceed on a road to a better relationship with his lost daughter!

Influences

2009-11-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

Moving along with what my mom said.. I had to take some time to think about who I really wanted to include in this post.. and while there has been multiple people and males who have had some sort of influence on me... I had to think about the ones who truely knew or know me, and my life!

First I have to start my best friend in the whole world and cousin PETER! Peter is more like a big brother to me, he does not live near me, but when I need him he definitely there in spirit! Growing up when I visited him for the summer I know we got on eachothers nerves, but now that I am older, I sure we still get on eachothers nerves!lol! Peter is always there to guide me, and tell me when I am heading down the wrong path in his loving manner. No matter what is going on in his world or mine, he can always put a smile on my face with his goofiness..:) I have been through some crazy things and gone to do something stupid things, but Peter is always there to talk to and bail me out!

I LOVE YOU FABIEN!!!

Next up is my dads brother/my uncle Que! Definitely is one of my favorite uncles on my Dads side, he is so easy to talk to, and always pushes me to do the rite things. Nobody is perfect and he like many of us has made mistakes, but he teaches me through them to make sure I do not make the same ones. I remember when I graduated, my dad said he could not come, and he never even called, despite my uncle's circumstance he sent a card with a letter...and he has never once forgotten my birthday! He is one of the few in the family that actually listens to both sides of the struggle between myself and my father.. and give guidance based upon that instead of basing it solely on the garbage my father has said! He is another individual that does not live close to me, but he is always there in spirit!

I LOVE YOU UNCLE QUE!!!!

Then we have good ole' Strick or Najee as most people know him. I met Strick in art class my senior year, and his work was always so amazing, so we use to sit next to each other in class. We quickly became friends, laughing and giggling over stupid stories, Family Guy, and my crazy friends back home. Strick was always there to keep me smiling. Strick like me does not have the best relationship with his father, and we never use to talk on that level until recently.. but I consider Strick like a brotha from another motha...lol!!! We always have a good time when we are together, but when it comes down to it, we can talk about pretty much anything, and we always got each others back! Lately Strick has been going through a lot, and I want him to know I am here for him, like he has always been for me!!

LOVE YA STRICK!!!!

Lastly we have James, I have known him the shortest amount of time, but I must say he has a very good judge of character and he knows me pretty well, I might even say a little better than the ones before him! During the short year and a half I have known him, he has offered a lot of guidance, and helped me make some monumental decisions, and helped me get rid of the trash in my life. James and I may not always see eye to eye, and he is never hesitant to express his own opinion about what he wants me to do. For a while James and I fell off becasue of some stupid mistakes I made, and I really regret, but we have recently began talking a little bit now.. and I will forever be grateful for what he has done for me, wether he realizes it or not!

THANK YOU JAMES!

(and i got to thank Zipporah for introducing us!)

My Back Bone!!!

2009-11-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

This weekend my mom finally got to read my blog, we went to Starbucks together and read together, while she said I need to edit something she expressed how proud of me she was, and is! While on the way home form Starbucks she sad that I should attempt to place some positive things on my blog, besides the post I have about Mike. She said I should think about some positive male role models. While I do some positive male role models for a long time my mom has been my mother, father and everything else in between, so this one is all about my MOMMY!!! My mom is such an amazing woman and everyone who has the pleasure of knowing her, knows that! Despite my dad's lack of effort to be a father to me, my mother quickly assummed the role of both mother and father for me. She did what ever she needed to when i was growing up, taking night jobs to make sure she was there for me during the day, attending all my events, what ever it was SHE WAS THERE!!! Just some examples of my mom doing what ever she can, I use to play travel volleyball, and we had an away game, and my mom said she couldn't go, so she sent to ride with a teammate. The morning of the tournament, as we were about to begin our second game in hops my mom(hops, because she had just had surgery the week before). My senior year of high school I moved away, and it was Thanksgiving and I was definitely home sick, well my mom told me there was no way she would be able to visit me, or have me come home....Rite before we sat down to eat dinner, my mom walked in.... I cried so hard!!

Although my mom and I have not always seen eye to eye, I always know she has my best interest at heart! My mom has been through a whole lot, and its by the grace of God that I have here with me day in and day out!! I understand it is what she has been through that makes her tha amazing individual she is and why she tells me the things she does(even though she says them a million times LOL)so I do not have go through what she did!!

As much as I have to thank my dad for making me the person I am, I have to thank my mom a million times more for helping to form that person, making me a better individual and making me grow up as a WOMAN!!

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!!

FAMILY!!!

2009-11-27T08:42:00.000-08:00

As you all know Thankgiving just passed, and while I am thankful for so many things I have been blessed with...holidays are always a bit sad for me!!! Anybody who knows me knows that I love family.. and love to pull them together and love it when we are together!

This year my mother and I stayed home and had dinner together, very last minute (went shopping the morning of, and began to cook). It has always been difficult to spend holidays with ALL(meaning my mom and dads side) of my family because the majority of my mom's family is in England; while the majority of my dad's family lives less than two hours away.

Now that my parents have split it is even harder, I NEVER want to leave my mom alone on any holiday...but I still want to see my other family sometimes. Granted my mom and I are always invited to dad's family functions, because they all love my mom dearly it is not alwasy the most comfortable situation for her or my father if the both attend!

This Thanksgiving, my uncle offered to pick my up and take me to my Grandmothers with him, but that would mean leaving my mom alone, and he said he was going to my Dad's house after and staying the night there.....NO, NO, NO!!!!

I already knew it would't go over well, especially since I called my dad twice on Thanksgiving and left voicemails, and I still have not heard from him!!!

I love my dad dearly and wish that I could have gone down there to visit with family, but is way to emotional and too stressful, not to mention awkward!!!

Christmas is now coming up, and I heard my mother talking saying she is thinking of going to my grandmothers for the holiday, which means my father will be there...We Will See How That Goes????

www.fatherhood.gov

2009-11-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

I know many of us may have seen these commercials....

As funny as the commercial maybe, it such an important message "Be a Dad TODAY!!" Now granted we know every father just becasue of their character are not going to start doing cheers with their child, but time with a child is so important like the commercial says the little we do can have the greatest impact...and the same goes for not being there or doing nothing at all!

Ok so not every father can double-dutch, but in my opininion it really does not matter what you are doing, it is really about them being their period; and the IMPACTthat has!!!!

This morning I went to the website(www.fatherhood.gov) that this PSA is for....

"The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse (NRFC) is funded by the Administration for Children and Families' Office of Family Assistance's (OFA) and supports efforts to assist States and communities to promote and support Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Marriage.

Primarily a tool for professionals operating Responsible Fatherhood programs, the NRFC provides access to print and electronic publications, timely information on fatherhood issues, and targeted resources that support OFA-funded Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Marriage grantees. The NRFC Web site also provides essential information for other audiences interested in fatherhood issues."

After reading that of course I wanted to read more..and I began to navigate their website there is so much information on their website....

"Urban Institute:
Recent policies encourage the development of programs designed to improve the economic status of low-income nonresident fathers and the financial and emotional support provided to their children. This brief provides ten key lessons from several important early responsible fatherhood initiatives that were developed and implemented during the 1990s and early 2000s. Formal evaluations of these earlier fatherhood efforts have been completed making this an opportune time to step back and assess what has been learned and how to build on the early programs' successes and challenges.

While the following statistics are formidable, the Responsible Fatherhood research literature generally supports the claim that a loving and nurturing father improves outcomes for children, families and communities. The following are findings from the National Fatherhood Initiative's (NFI) Father Facts:

•Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

•Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

•24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.

•Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.

•43 percent of first marriages dissolve within fifteen years; about 60 percent of divorcing couples have children; and approximately one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.

•Fathers who live with their children are more likely to have a close, enduring relationship with their children than those who do not.

•Compared to children born within marriage, children born to cohabiting parents are three times as likely to experience father absence, and children born to unmarried, non-cohabiting parents are four times as likely to live in a father-absent home.

•About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father's home.

•Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.

•From 1995 to 2000, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes slightly declined, while the proportion of children living with two married parents remained stable."

The information goes on and on... You should definitely check it out!!!!

CONTRIDICTION!!!!

2009-11-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

Recently I wrote a post about the lady who called me dysfunctional, well this morning we spoke again on Facebook AIM and this is the converstion....blew my mind!!!!! I was so upset I cried half the conversation, because, I could not understand how someone could be so ignorant to anothers feelings, particularly when they claim they do not wan tknow. This conversation frustrayed me to no end especially becasue out of respect I could not say everything that came to mind!!!

My Thoughts

HER

You always fighting with someone doesn't that say something he common denominator is YOU!!

i am not.. but i got to stand up for me,

maybe you need to re-evaluate somethings about yourself

and as far as your blog, my issue with that is this if it helps you to heal then fine but don't put your dad or whoever on blast you have to be respectful and does your dad know about it because he may not want his business out there

i just talk about things that happen to me...and he is apart of that i cant help it...those people don’t know who my dad is

yeah, but that doesn't matter there are people that do he may not appreciate it (funny for her to say that, becasue she is always saying i need forget what others think, and live my life for me)

no he doesn’t know..i wish he did though.. so he would kno how i feltI dont appreciate all the shit he talks about me and my mom ..but idont say nothing

well that is the other point, you have to the bigger person and more mature about the way you handle things…just because someone does something to you doesn't mean you do it back to them that is elementary tit for tat behavior

ok.. i understand that(but i am not going back at my dad)..but that is partly what blogging is all about talking about what goes on..it would kind of difficult for my follower to understand if they had no back story... all of what i wrote is from me.. so it doesnt matter….just like ppl who write books..and they talk about what has happened in there life..

it is not the same people who write books about their lives unless the person is dead they have to get permission otherwise they get sued… that is what you don't understand. it may be from you but it includes other people and it is personal stuff
Be respectful!

I am.. all i do is express my feelings

Find a solution and not be part of the problem
but like i said every decision you make can't be based on feelings

im not, how am i apart of the problem

if you base your life on feelings girl you are setting yourself up for failure. in your blog my suggestion is this yes speak about how you felt

i dont..but i really dont see what is wrong with expressing them on a blog where that is what it is about

but also speak about how you overcame, find a solution to the problem
don't just complain express how you feel and be the problem there is more to life than just feelings

I am speaking out about what happened to ME.. have u read my blog...i have put a solution up there..

but be a solution in your own life

my blog is about helping other ppl including me get through it and find an end there solution

if you don't wish to speak to your dad then fine, but don't complain about the person he is

i dont complain about the person he is.. i complain about what he has done to me, my blog even says how i love him and wish we could have a normal relationship

what is normal to you, may not be normal to him you need to recognize that
And you need to mature in that respect

but he makes it normal with other children, but why not me because of my mom

and appreciate people for who they are and what they are

i do appreciate him, he helped mold me into the person I am

you don't know nothing about his other relationships

let me ask u this have u read everything on there

don't assume, i have read a few, not everything don't have time to read everything but like i said before

ok read ALL then maybe u will understand.. and yes i do know about his other relationships with his children...

if it helps you heal then good you can't sit here and tell me you know everything and relationships takes two you don't know everything you only see one perception of it

i know they do... but why are u talking like u do.. i have talked to my dad about and my sisters.. so i do more or less everything

the same way i don't know everything with you, you don't know everything with them, how could you know steph are you there 24 hours
and like i said, relationships takes two…….

believe what you want to believe steph, because you are not open ro listen and you just listen to what you want to listen to

i am but ur piont make no sense and ur not willing to kisten to what i am saying either

i know my point doesn't make sense, because you are not at that level yet you will figure out or maybe you won't

STOP saying that u dont know what level i am on

just be respectful to yourself and others…..yes i do, try to heal and try not to wear your feelings on your sleeve

no u dont to be honest u dont even kno me

the world doesn't revolve around your feelings, i may not know you

i am respectful always (if when I dont want to be)

but i now the kind of person you are or at least what you have shown me and what you have written on your blogs…..you are not that hard to figure out! remember i am older than you, and although i may not have experienced everything you have experienced trust me i have experienced a lot

i understand but age aint nothing but a number

your mentality is right where your number is trust me, you are 19. You don't know what i have experienced either

ok and im not commenting on ur life, or how mature u are

and i know people a lot more than you do, you don't even know yourself yet your still learning and that you should be doing but don't assume that is one piece of advice i will tell you don't assume nothing, about anyone, or anything

i dont...but u r

cuz at the end of the day you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Nope i am not assuming nothing trust me (neither do YOU!!!!)

neither do you but u are talking to me like u do

i don't want to know steph that is what you don't understand, i don't know everything and i don't want to know (then why are you even talking to me)

then y keep bring in it up

all I am saying is you don't know everything you are only going by how you feel, you have said it

i know that.. i am telling my story from my point of view, but i only tell stories that have happened that i was there for

and you need to be careful that feelings especially

i have not posted anything that ppl have told me on there, everything on there i witnessed

and is from your perspective all i am saying is this, be aware don't wear your feelings on your sleeve and be respectful always, and maybe once try to look at it from another persons point of view you have told me time and time again that you are emotional, so you lied!

What ever.I have looked at from different pionts of view..u would know that if u actually read my blog...until u read it in it, ALL of it u really shouldnt say a thing

Well, one more thing to consider. your stability comes from you, and not your parents i don't want to read all of it i didn't say anything personal about your blog…all of this is directed towards you not your blog another thing about listening, i didn't bring up your blog you did

that is wat this whole convo is based upon.. i know that...which is why i dont really on them..i do me, no u did scroll up and read...u bought it up..i was talking bout grandma

i said be mindful about what you say about your dad in it yes but not about the blog itself, i don't care about he blog!!!

they r two in the same

not necessarily, i brought that up to speak about you, and the way you are maneuvering through life with your relationships

so u admit u bought it up

ok sure ,if that is me admitting it but more or less i brought up your dad, just be carefule sweety and try not to argue

what i wanna kno, is wat do u have to do with my dad why do u keep bringin it up..cuz u dont give a damn

i don't have anything to do with your dad you brough him up

u seem to have alot to say about something u know nothing about!!!!

i don't have anything to say about your dad or your relationship with your dad

no i dont i try not to have important convos with that have anything to do with my world and how i feel cuz all u do is s*** on my feelings

everyone has feelings you just take yours to another level, and that is my point

no i dont.. i not u i am not gonna lock them away and act like they dont exist

you can be upset at our dad at grandma at the whole world you don't know me to say that either, everyones feelings exist

i not mad an grandma i love her.. i just dont feel like hearing her nag all the time

but it s how you handle them….that is all i am saying steph learn to handle them a little better because like i said before

and how do u handle them...cuz its obvious u think ur way is the only rite way

the world doesn't revolve around your feelings and i didn't know i was making anyrhing obvious about how i handle my feelings, i never said anything about my feelings i said learn to handle yours! because the world doesn't revolve around your feelings, just be careful with that but you don't have to listen to anything i am saying girl you are grown remember you are mature for your age

i am not making the world revolve around them

you know everything, so like you say do you, in your opinion just do you steph

u obviously think my way is wrong so ur way must be the rite way correct

i didn't say your way is wrong, stop assuming, i said that from the begin if you want to know something then ask…don't assume, everything can be improved
i never said anything is wrong why does it have to be right or wrong this isn't about being right or wrong and i never said i was right and you are wrong

sometimes i wish u could improve the way you talk to me..so its sounds like you actually give a damn about me and who i am

that is my point, you want people to show you they give a damn about you the way you want them to

but u dont have to s**** on me either

and not take the time to learn the person and see this is who they are and the way they give a damn may be shown differently no on is shitting on you

yeah i have noticed

you are so into yourself sometimes steph and that is my point get out of yourself and your feelings sometimes and learn people not everyone is going to show you love the way you want them to

i just love myself too much.. i care about myself too much

that doesn't mean they don't love you, no. you have to find a balance, eveyrthing takes a balance maybe if you thought for once..that what iam saying to you now is because i care about you……but no steph don't get that, because ithas to be steph way get out of that! and cont’ to write…i never said stop writing…. writing is good but keep learning and improve on your way

yeah writing is good aslong as no one else can see it

that is why if you don't know something or understand, ask questions, communicate......but don't be ahead of yourself

a little later……….

are you still there

yes

no sweety i didn't say that

say what

that no one else should read it also and i am going to be really frank, don't put no comment on facebook like you have a problem with me but you don't come to me first i don't operate that way if you wish to speak to me about something that i said that bothered you pick up the phone, but you have no control of what i say I am not disrespecting you and i appreciate the same respect in return

what r u talking about.. when i said some people should keep there thoughts as just thoughts, you knew i had a problem with u and what u said i told u that

i have never been indirect with u

no, i didn't know that is why i asked again, you need to mature in that area

i shouldn't have to guess either

well i thought u knew well im telling u now..i have a problem with the way u talk to me sometimes and what u say

i am going to say things that you are not going to like, you can take it how you want to but sweet you need to grow up because that is life, and folks are not here to say things to you like you like also one more things about your dads relationship with your sister stop comparing their relationship to your you are not them and they are not you maybe that is why he can have a relationship with them

i understand that i kno ppl are going to say and do things i dont like that doesnt mean i have to act like it never happened

you need to be responsible for you(so do you and stop judging my life)

i am

you have no control over other people's actions or words. i never said that

besides everybody know my dad is a freaking prick

you have to act like it doesn't happen

i dont have to u may want me too... but i dont have to

eversorry, sorry you don't have to act like it doesn't happen not saying you should… rephrase your dad is who he is you are who you are

i kno that and i have come accept this

all i am saying is this… heal from it if that is your goal, i am not sure what your goal is but just because your dad is a prick

i am and my blog helps me do that

doesn't mean that e should be ridiculed for it

it takes all kinds to make up this world

that then is great, but you only have control over steph

i know..that like u said i need to get over it...my blog helps me do that while also helping others

great, but at the same time you are you steph you are not your sisters you are not anyone else so don't compare just work on you and if the blog helps continue to do so

ok...forget about my sisters..in my blog i aint say s**** about them..i just talk about me and the effects my dads has had on me...my blog aint about my dad its about me and my struggle

i didn't say you talked about them in your blog you mentioned them to me that your dad treats them better so yeah forget about them

Now all what she said is a big contridiction alot of what she said...she went around in circles and gave me a headache!!!!! But you know what I want to read this everyday and use as inspiration to kept it moving!!!

Support your Child

2009-11-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

"I am writing this in behalf of my wonderful best friend and wife. My wife has had a lot of issues recieving her child support from her ex. This so called man abandon his daughter 6 years ago and she has not seen or heard from him since. There was a court order too pay child support in 1991. He has payed very little in these past years. He owes over 30k in back child support and the State of Florida seems not too care. We have had court dates where he does not show up and a writ has been issued but he is a alcoholic and doesnt drive or file for taxes. And as far we understand they just wont go pick him up, unless he has broken another law. She has contacted the local child support office here and she keeps getting the same old song and dance. The child support office doesn't care."

While doing research I came accross this, and it got me thinking. My father very rarely paid child support and when he did it was a minuscule amount. He even had the audacity to tell my mom one day, " I don't worry about it, becasue I know Stephanie will be well taken care of by you!" Although that is true, my mom did not have me all by herself, but that is another topic. I do understand the importance of child support, to hello..SUPPORT THE CHILD; however I believe supporting the child in other aspects is more importnat in most causes. Even when you live a million miles away, you can still be there for a child, it maybe difficult to be there physically, but emotionally they could hold it down if they so choose; but in most causes they choose to do NEITHER!

2009-11-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

"...an excuse to be dysfunctional or have bitterness or ill feelings towards your situation..."

It is a little excerpt from a converstaion I had with someone this morning, we were discussing "Unstable Cradle" and they basically said my blog is an excuse! The fact of the matter is my blog helps people and helps me! That is what truely matters to me impacting lives, and it crazy for her to have a comment when she has not even read my blog!!! This is one of the reasons I began this blog, because it has been such an epidemic that is asthough our feelings aren't suppose to matter! You think we want to feel this way, angery, hurt, betrayed, left out and disgarded...we did not ask for this!!! Like she said its my situation not hers, so let me deal with it which ever way works best for me!!!

Rock-a-bye Baby

2009-11-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Going through my old belongings I found this.....

When I was younger my dad actually bought a sentimental gift, although probably not as meaningful to him, but to me it meant the world! That white bear with white and yellow pajamas means so much to me, I slept with it everynight after I recieved it. It use to be able to sing me a lullaby "Rock-a-bye Baby," but it is all played out now; I even tried putting new batteries in it-NOTHING!

"Rock-a-bye baby

On the tree top,

When the wind blows

The cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks,

The cradle will fall,

Down tumbles baby,

Cradle and all."

Well atleast that is what it use to play!

Speaks for it self

2009-11-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

How could you????

2009-11-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

Through this blog I have had the pleasure of meeting and speaking with some amazing people, all sharing with me there different stories. This past weekend I met this wonderful woman and mother(@JennRaines) who also lives in Florida and we began talking and she started to tell me her and her son's story.

As we got to know eachother she went on to tell me how her ex-husband has completely neglected herself and most importantly his son, his new wife does not want the son in "her house" and he has children with this woman, so now @JennRaines son feel like an outcast! Although he meets his dad once a week for lunch, his dad needs to be a father more than an hour a week! My biggest fear is that her son is like how I use to be and millions of other children in our situation acting as though we really dont care at all! I use to say the relationship I had with my father,or lack there of was ok and did not impact me; but like I told you other people would notice that when I spoke of him my tone completely changed!

My thing is the woman he is now married to, how dare she say she does not want the boy in the house, that only speaks volumes about her character, that is his son for God's Sake!!! I don't know Jenn's sons name, but if he reads this I want him to know that it is OKAY to feel hurt and betrayed, you are only human and what your father and his new wife are doing is beyond wrong!!! It will really help you if you talk about it, you should talk to your mom, she really loves you and would do anything for you...and it hurts her to see you hurting.

Everybody should follow @JennRaines, she is truely AMAZING!!!!

Earlier today I was at home working on a post, and watching the Tyra Show and there was a young lady on there who had previously been on the show; she was a prostitute, and guess who her manager was???? HER FATHER!!!! They showed clips of him preping her and talking to her and how cruel and heartless he was to her, he would wax her, coach her and then take her to brothels even after she begged not to! The last time she was on Tyra she told her dad she did not want to do it anymore and was not going to , well today since that show was the first time she had seen her father, and it was so emotional! Really how could he do that to his daughter? Now he is the manager of another girl who is only 19, and he does all the same things for this new child that he did his own. What kind of father is he, he was pimping his daughter out!?!?!

He Told Me

2009-11-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

"

Have I ever told you that if I sit really still and silent sometimes. I like to think i can hear your heart beating in time with mine?

Have I ever told you that there has been times when I ached for you so badly that emotions overwhelmed me, so I sat and cried?

Have I ever told you I love you?

I LOVE YOU BABY!!!"

Statistics show that woman search for men that remind them or have characteristics of their father, but not me! Not to say I have not been in relationships with guys who unfortunately are a lot like my father. But the words above are from a poem my wonderful baby wrote for me. I am so blessed and thank God everyday for him being in my life. I have never had a man who loves me the way he does. He makes me so happy. I wake up every morning and thank the Lord for sending him to me. He is my superstar, but while on his quest for success he is always there to support and back me up 100%. He is doing big things with his music career(www.myspace.com/upperclassmen202), and he makes me proud everyday! Also my hubby has inspired my to return to my art, people who know from me the past know that art use to be my world, it was the only way I could express myself. So I bought a sketchbook and I am determined to get back to my work and true love(besides him), this is my first sketch.

Yall probably don't care about none of this, but who cares, I'M IN LOVE!!!!!! and I am helping to break the cycle!!!

Text

2009-11-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

Well i text my dad today...

me;"hello daddy"

him;" Hello"

me:" how are you?"

him;"just great"

me;"me too thanks for asking!"

Well nobody can say I didn't try! It just hurt that he is going around telling everybody how I do him wrong, and that he loves me dearly would do anything for me....BUT HE CAN NOT HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME!!!!!

Knock Knock

2009-10-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have been doing research and finding all kinds of information and poems; I have also been receiving some truly amazing emails and stories, but I have not found the best way to put them together yet, but this video I found needed to be posted rite away! It bought tears to my eyes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTZrPVqR0D8

Striking Stats!!!

2009-10-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

These are some stats I came across while doing research for Unstable Cradle....

*63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

“I am writing this letter because soon I will hear what I have not wanted to hear. I wrote you a letter about my son who is charged with capital murder of his father. Well, I found out two days ago that his case is going to the circuit court. He is charged with both robbery and capital murder. Before I see my son get the death sentence I will take my own life. I can no longer go through this any more. I keep trying but can’t hold on any longer. I am hurting inside deeply… I am all alone, since nobody has ever cared for me. I no longer want to live in this world full of hate and hurt. It is me that has to watch my son and I would rather shoot myself. Like I told my counselor today, I don't want to live anymore.”

*90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

*85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)

*80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

*71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)

*75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)

*70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

*85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

*37.9% of fathers have no access/visitation rights. (Source: p.6, col.II, para. 6, lines 4 & 5, Census Bureau P-60, #173, Sept 1991.)

The sad part is there is a larger portion that have access, but it is almost in their minds they do not, because they make no attempt to see their child at all!

*"Overall, approximately 50% of mothers "see no value in the father`s continued contact with his children...." (Source: Surviving the Breakup, Joan Kelly & Judith Wallerstein, p. 125)

This statstic along with the others is terrible to me, I mean from the facts above prove that fathers love and attention have a large impact on a child, no matter what the mother thinks. I do ubderstand if the father can cause harm to the child in any shape or form, but if the mother is doing it out of spite they are causing more harm than good.

*"Very few of the children were satisfied with the amount of contact with their fathers, after divorce." (Source: Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Koch & Lowery, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 50, Winter 1984.)

The world, or alot of people are going around asthough this issue does not matter or insignificant, and I agree it may not be as prominant as world hunger, but it is a problem none the less!

Child of the KING!!!

2009-10-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I went to church with my mom like I do pretty much every Sunday to give thanks for the many blessings the Lord has poured upon me. Well our church(Christ Fellowship) was celebrating tweny-five years of impacting lives, so at the close of service there were multiple people who came up on stage one by one they approached with a cardboard sign that stated their issue or fault. Then once on stage they comensed to turn the cardboard over and have how the Lord has solved there issue on the back. People came up professing all sorts of things....

* "homeless and lost--> sheltered and saved"

* "Dictator Mom--> Doting Mom"

* "Unloved--> loved"

And the list goes on, each touching in their own way. Everybody knows how extremely emotional I am, so I was trying my hardest not to breakdown into tears, and to my surprise I was holding my composure very well! Then a woman came up holding one that said "fatherless," and I began to loose it, and on the back it said "child of the KING! " By that time I was done for! I read fatherless and it is almost asthough I put myself in her shoes, and suddenly it felt like I was the only person in church. Then when she flipped the board I felt this sense of peace come over me, and the first person that came to mind was a beautiful lady I know Jessenia Arias(@iamadopted), who is not only a mentor to me but a friend. Along time ago she told me the space I have in my heart that I keep waiting for my father to fill will only be filled by the Lord our Father. Although I knew what she meant when she said it to me, it was like the woman holding that sign was saying it all over again and I felt the void filling as she then began to walk off the stage. I was so moved, I know the feelings I have are not going to completely vanish but I AM A CHILD OF THE KING!!!!

Unstable Cradle

2009-10-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Unstable Cradle" is a blog dedicated to single parent households, particularly households with absentee fathers. I grew up in a single parent home, where it was just my mother and myself, and I knew who my father was; but when my mother left him, he left me at the same time! In this day and age fatherless home are an epidemic, so much so nobody even seems to acknowledge it anymore. I recetly ran a search on twitter looking up absent father/dead beat dads and the majority of the results I recieved had to do with the single mother's point of view. I personally went to therapy because of the issues I had with my father after he walked out on my life. However yet a lot of children do not talk about it, or they constantly say they do not care or it does not bother them, but the fact of the matter for most of us it does. I always use to say I did not care about my dad and the way he treated me, but people I said it to noticed that when I said it my entire tone of voice changed, to anger and disgust! For years I have told myself to write a letter to my father and explain to him how I truely feel, and I never did it, I must have written this letter more than ten times, each time never making it to the end, becuase I just got to emotional or I thought what I was saying was just too harsh. However it really needs to be said...

No matter what I am going to love you, I just hope and pray one day you are actually going to love me back the way I do!

Blood of Lyrics

2009-10-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have been told I've got some thick a** blood flowing through my veins

Thick like the head of the ignorant b**** I had to teach after she told me...

"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."

See that lesson played over and over in mind

I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks

That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts

I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots

Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before

A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life

I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep

Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!

Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me

With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor

I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong

Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night

Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel

Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday

Attempting to forget those blood stained walls

Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood

Thin like the water in the tears I cry

The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts

Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut

Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores

Some say the blood in my vein is shallow

Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas

I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence

Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant

Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak

Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but UNSUCCESSFUL suicide attempts

Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins

This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane

Keeps bringing back to these familar places

Blood from my sores over flowing in the room

Attempting to donate to save a life.

But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken

Nobody wants whats tainted

You heard my story, would you?????

I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken