Support your Child

"I am writing this in behalf of my wonderfull Best friend and Wife. My wife has had a lot of issues recieving her child support from her ex. This so called man abandon his daughter 6 years ago and she has not seen or heard from him since. There was a court order too pay child support in 1991. He has payed very little in these past years. He owes over 30k in back child support and the State of Florida seems not too care. We have had court dates where he does not show up and a writ has been issued but he is a alcoholic and doesnt drive or file for taxes. And as far we understand they just wont go pick him up, unless he has broken another law. She has contacted the local child support office here and she keeps getting the same old song and dance. The child support office doesn't care."

While doing research I came accross this, and it got me thinking. My father very rarely paid child support and when he did it was a minuscule. He even had the audacity to tell my mom one day, " I don't worry about it, becasue I know Stephanie will be well taken care of by you!" Although that is true, my mom did not have me all by herself, but that is another topic. I do the understand the importance of child support, to hello..SUPPORT THE CHILD; however I believe supporting the child in other aspect is more importnat in most causes. Even when you live a million miles away, you can still be there for a child, it be difficult to be there physically, but emotionally they could hold it down if they so choose; but they in most causes they choose to do neither!

"...an excuse to be dysfunctional or have bitterness or ill feelings towards your situation..."

It is a little excerpt from a converstaion I had with someone this morning, we were discussing "Unstable Cradle" and they basically said my blog is an excuse! The fact of the matter is my blog helps peoples and helps me! That is what truely matters to me impacting lives, and it crazy for her to have a comment when she has not even read my blog!!! This is one of the reasons I began this blog, because it has been such an epidemic that is asthough our feelings aren't suppose to matter!You think we want to feel this way, angery, hurt, betreayed, left out and disgarded...we did not ask for this!!! Like she said its my situation not hers, so let me deal with it which ever way works best for me!!!

Rock-a-bye Baby

Going through my old belongings I found this.....



When I was younger my dad actually bought a sentimental gift, although probably not as meaningful to him, but to me it meant the world! That white bear with white and yellow pajamas means so much to me, I slept with it everynight after I recieved it. It use to be able to sing me a lullaby "Rock-a-bye Baby," but it is all played out now; I even tried putting new batteries in it-NOTHING!

"Rock-a-bye baby
On the tree top,
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall,
Down tumbles baby,
Cradle and all."

Well atleast that is what it use to play!

Speaks for it self

How could you????

Through this blog I have had the pleasure of meeting and speaking with some amazing people, all sharing with me there different stories. This past weekend though I meet this wonderful woman and mother(@JennRaines) who also lives in Florida and we began talking. and she started to tell me her and her sons story.
As we got to know a eachother she went to tell me how her ex-husband has completely neglected herself and most importantly his son, his new wife does not want the son in "her house" and he has children with thtis woman, so now @JennRaines son feel almost like an outcast! Although he meets his dad once a week for lunch, it is not rite, his dad should not be a parent to him for only an hour a week! My biggest fear is that her son is like how I use to be and millions of other children in our situation is act like we really dont care at all! I use to say the relationship I had with my father,or lack there of was ok and did not impact me; but like I told you other people would notice that when I spoke of him my tone completely changed!
My thing is the woman he is now married to, how dare she say she does not want the boy in the house, that only speaks volumes about her character, that is his son for God's Sake!!! I don know Jenn's sons name, but if he reads this I want hime to know that is okay to feel hurt in betrayed, you are only human and what your father and his new wife are doing is beyond wrong!!! It will really help you if you talk about it, you should talk to your mom, she really loves you and would do anything for you...and it hurts her to see anything wrong with you.

Everybody should follow @JennRaines, she is truely amazing!!!!



Earlier today I was at home working on post, and watching the Tyra Show and there was a young lady on there who had previously been on the show; she was a prostitute, and guess who her manager was???? HER FATHER!!!! They showed clips of him preping her and talking to her and how cruel and heartless he was to her, he would wax her, coach her and then take her to brothels even after she begged not to! The last time she was on Tyra she told her dad she did not wan to do it anymore and was not going to , well today since that show was the first time she had seen her father, and it was so emotional! Really how could he do that to his daughter? Now he is the manager of another girl who is only 19, and he does all the same things for this new child that he did his own. What kind of father is he, he was pimping his daughter out!!!

He Told Me

"Have I ever told you that if I sit really still and silent sometimes. I like to think i can hear your heart beating in time with mine?
Have I ever told you that there has been times when I ached for you so badly that emotions overwhelmed me, so I sat and cried?
Have I ever told you I love you?
I LOVE YOU BABY!!!"

Statistics show that woman search for men that remind them or have characteristics of their father, but not me! Not to say I have not been in relationships with guys who unfortunately are a lot like my father. But the words above are from a poem my wonderful hubby wrote for me. I am so blessed and thank God everyday for him being in my life. I have never had a man who loves me the way he does. He makes me so happy. I wake up every morning and thank the Lord for sending him to me. He is my superstar, but while on his quest for success he is always there to support and back me up 100%. He is doing big things with his music career, and he makes me proud everyday!Also my hubby has inspired my to return to my art, people who know from me the past know that art use to be my world, it was the only way I could express myself. So I bought a sketchbook and was determined to et back to my work and true love(besides him), this is my first sketch.



Yall probably don't care about non of this, but who cares what yall think, I'M IN LOVE!!!!!! and I am helping to break the cycle!!!

Deleted

As many of may have already seen I deleted my other blog...it was not til after I deleted it I realized alot of the post on there have to do with my father so I am just going to put them on here....

A little to Late!(06/26/2009)
Father's Day is such a hard day for me...it just past last sunday. I know I am not as bad as others who don't know their father at all..but I might as well not have. I always pretend that I don't care and my fathers abuse and neglect don't bother me..but subconciously it does.Even my mother noticed that when I speak of him a have a hint of anger and disgust in my voice. And I don't hate my dad at all don't get it twisted. I am just an extremely emotional individual and my father neglecting me for years and years of my life and blaming it on my mother really hurts me and has truely scared me for life. Although not as bad now, I know in my heart of hearts my father and I will never have even a semi-normal relationship. Now that I am older its like looking at him and being around him makes me so happy, but the thought of him enrages me and I attempt to play passive agressive, but it doesn't always work. I think it is because when growing up even though he was never around I thought he was awesome..and then I started to know him a little more and I was scared of him. You would think what reason would have to fear him but he is physically and mentally abusive. My mom would tell me stories and I never began to believe them until I saw it for my own eyes and the he progressed to do it to me. And when he was abusing me I still to afraid to stand up for myself..so I continued to feel and listen to the hurtful voicemails; because I felt I had to....

Why Doesn't he treat me like a daughter! (07/09/2009)
Last night I went to Bible Study and loved as always, but tonight we discussed the differences between wisdom and knowledge...Anyway when it came to prayer request on situations we need wisdom for, and things we need to request peace for...a million things ran through my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was my father. A lot of people tell me to get over the emotions and resentment I feel towards him, but it is so hard, especially becasue he acts asthough nothing ever happened. I guess it is the time to give you so back story about my father. Well from a young age I dont really remember my father when I was really young, all I can remember is he never had a job, I just rember going to work on cars once(the one day I needed him to come to school for something)....well when I was young my grandfather was my bestfriend I loved him so much(RIP Grandad); well he past when I was 5 and after that I guess my mother finally decieded she had enough of my fathers infidelity and lies and we moved out. After that I do not remember a lot I do remember that my dad travelled back and forwards to Jamiaca a lot and I very rarely saw or heard from him, but when I did see him he remebered to leave me with a bucket full empty promises. But through all of this although I feared my father I still thought he could do no wrong and was the best thing since sliced bread. Then as I got older that all changed especially after my mother got remarried. There is a big gap in between us because I do not remember my father being around at all. My mom remarried and shortly after the wedding we moved to Palm Beach and thats when alot of the lies began, my father believed we moved as an attempt for my mom to keep me away from him, but by that piont I didn't want to be around him; I mean I had seen him physically and mentally abuse other women, so I could only imagine what he did to my mother. And I always remember I was on vacation in Jamiaca and it was me and my sister in the back seat, my sisters mom in the front and my father driving. They were arguing becasue before that were we were coming from my dad all over another women...and she finally stepped up to my dad and said " Well then FUCK YOU!!!!!" my dad pulled the car over so fast I thought we were going to fall off the hill side, At that moment my sisters mother took off running, because she knew better, I like her was terrified. Both of them ran off into the night and I coudn't see a thing but I was scared and in attempt to help the situation I lied and said me sister who had started crying and needed to use the restroom...and I just kept yelling it into the night, until they returned, my sisters mother in tears. Til this day I do not know what happened out there but I am sure it wasn't pretty, since I have heard stories of my father hold a gun to my mom's head. Then the lies came that my mothers husband was abusing me, and although we had are differences there was never any abuse, although he did drive me crazy...another story.

Well a little further down the line my father became really close all of a sudden, and he had this thing were I had to call him everyday no matter what...which I do not have a problem but some days I really did not get a chance to, and my father would go insane....and I write this all the hurtful things he wouold say just filters into my mind and heart. Back then his words would hurt me so much I ended up in therapy...I would love to say it worked but i dont think it did. Then I kind of stopped talking to him out of fear, and he would lie and tell the family he was trying to reach out to me but he would call while I was in class so he knew I couldn't answer. So he would leave me voicemails saying I was a hipocrit and all kinds of names...making it really encouraging for me to call him back. It came to a certain piont that anytime people would see me crying they would ask what did your dad do now? The thing that got me is that the family was on his side no matter what he said or did, even when wrong. I mean I heard of family sticking together but Damn! Especially my grandmother like in her eyes he did no worng and she would call me and give my lectures on how I need to listen to my father and do what he says, she is still like that.

Well I do not know how I think from family pushing my father and I became close again after a lot of therapy. Well had blow out like the previous more than once.....well now I have reached the piont were I dont want to let him anymore and dont really think I will. I am not as scared of him as I use to but there is still fear in the back of my mind. I recently told him that when I do call him and we speak he is not allowed to talk shit about my mother. He hates her becasue she took him to court for child support and as a result he couldnt get his citizenship, but in my eyes that is his fault. He always said that it was my mom keeping me away from him, but if anything she struggles to make us have a relationship, forcing me to call and visit him. Deep down inside I want to believe my father loves me, but anger and resentment towards him for all he has done or hasn't done, leads me to tink differently.
I mean I could go on forever explain how my fahter has emotionally crippled me, but I dont have all the time in the world or strength, but I remember it was 2005 so I had to be like 15 and me and my best friend were staying at a hotel(so much fun) and my father came up there to yell at me for an hour in front of the hotel while my friend watched in shock, and he alwasy does thing were when I begin to cry he always yells louder asking me why am I crying?

My family on his side always yelled at me and asked what wrong with me that he is my father and why didn't I treat him as one? But why he didn't he treat me like a daughter?

He treats them like daughters(07/30/2009)
Its crazy, a while ago I posted a blog called " why didn't he treat me
like a daughter?" Well the past two weeks everything in the post just
rings true....and truthfully makes me hate my father, just pushes
forward all the resentment towards him and he disgusts me. My little
sisters are from JA(really the only reason I'm down here) and since they
have been here my dad has treated them like daughters, and continued to
treat me like crap. Ever mood I have made or everything I have said he
has ridiculed me for it, not matter what it always comes back to being
my fault. I know I should let these things bother me but its really
hurtful....to see the way he treats me like I don't exist and when I do,
I am in trouble. I been racking my brain trying to figure out what I
did receive such hatred. Today he asked me and my sisters we wanted to
go with my grandma to her old house
(Where there is nothing, and we have been a million times to stare at
the fucking walls) so I said no but my sisters said yes...so he yelled
at me and said " YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!!!" so know I sitting here in this
hott ass house watching the workers work and now my sisters don't wanna
be here. There isn't even a bathroom in this damn place. He disgust me,
I just wanted to treated fairly is that to much to ask??? I said I was
going to wait til I went back to mom to write this post but I can't take
it anymore
Also last week I wrote a post and my cousin telling me to kill myself,
well it was a whole thing earlier that day her and another cousin went
walking down the road to main street without telling anyone where they
were going so I made them come back. So her mother called me and fused
at me saying I just have done that and that I told her I wish she were
dead and that why she said that, which never happened and I have
witnesses. Im sorry next time I will let them just walk off and
kidnapped, but I guess that would be my fault too....I am so sick of
being the root of every problem!!!

Text

Well i text my dad today...
me;"hello daddy"

him;" Hello"

me:" how are you?"

him;"just great"

me;"me too thanks for asking!"

Well nobody can say I didn't try! It just hurt that he is going around telling everybody how I do him wrong, and that he loves me dearly would do anything for me....BUT HE CAN NOT HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME!!!!!

Knock Knock

I have been doing research and finding all kinds of information , poems and been receiving some truely amazing emails and stories, but I have not found the best way to put them together yet, but this video I found needed to be posted rite away! It bought tears to my eyes!

Striking Stats!!!

These are some stats I came across while doing research for my blog....


*63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
“I am writing this letter because soon I will hear what I have not wanted to hear. I wrote you a letter about my son who is charged with capital murder of his father. Well, I found out two days ago that his case is going to the circuit court. He is charged with both robbery and capital murder. Before I see my son get the death sentence I will take my own life. I can no longer go through this any more. I keep trying but can’t hold on any longer. I am hurting inside deeply… I am all alone, since nobody has ever cared for me. I no longer want to live in this world full of hate and hurt. It is me that has to watch my son and I would rather shoot myself. Like I told my counselor today, I don't want to live anymore.”

*90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

*85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)

*80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

*71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)

*75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)

*70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

*85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

*37.9% of fathers have no access/visitation rights. (Source: p.6, col.II, para. 6, lines 4 & 5, Census Bureau P-60, #173, Sept 1991.)
The sad part is there is a larger portion that have access, but it is almost in their minds they do not, because they make no attempt to see their child at all!


*"Overall, approximately 50% of mothers "see no value in the father`s continued contact with his children...." (Source: Surviving the Breakup, Joan Kelly & Judith Wallerstein, p. 125)
This statstic along with the others is terrible to me, I mean from the tat above prove that fathers love and attention have a large impact on a child, no matter what the mother thinks. I do ubderstand if the father can cause harm to the child in any shape or form, but if the mother is doing it out of spite they are causing more harm than good.

*"Very few of the children were satisfied with the amount of contact with their fathers, after divorce." (Source: Visitation and the Noncustodial Father, Koch & Lowery, Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Vol. 8, No. 2, p. 50, Winter 1984.)


The world, or alot of people are going around asthough this issue does not matter or insignificant, and I agree it may not be as prominant as world hunger, but it is a problem none the less!

Child of the KING!!!

Yesterday morning I went to church with my mom like I do pretty much every Sunday to give thanks for the many blessings the Lord has poured upon me. Well our church(Christ Fellowship) is celebrating tweny-five years of impacting lives, well at the close of service there were multiple people who came up on stage one by one the approached with a cardboard sign that stated their issue or fault, then they comensed to turn it over and have how the Lord has solved there issue on the back. People came up professing all sorts of things....

* "homeless and lost--> sheltered and saved"
* "Dictator Mom--> Doting Mom"
* "Unloved-->loved"

And the list goes on, each touching in their own way. Everybody knows how extremely emotional I am, so I was trying my hardest not to breakdown into tears, and to my surprise I was holding my composure very well! Then a woman came up holding one that said "fatherless," and I began to loose it, and on the back it said "child of the KING!" By that time I was done for! I read fatherless and it is almost asthough I put myself in her shoes, and suddenly it felt like I was the only person in church. Then when she flipped the board it is almost like I felt peace come over me, and the first person that came to mind was a beautiful lady I know Jessenia Arias, who is not only a mentor to me but a friend; but I will talk more about her in another post. Along time ago she told me the space I have in my heart that I keep waiting for my father to fill will only be filled by the Lord our Father. Although I knew what she meant when she said it to me, it was like the woman holding that sign was saying it all over again and I felt the void filling as she then began to walk off the stage. I was so moved, I know the feeling I have are not going to completely vanish but I AM A CHILD OF THE KING!!!!

Unstable Cradle

"Unstable Cradle" is a blog dedicated to single parent households, particularly households with absentee fathers. I grew up in a single parent home, where it was just my mother and I, and I knew who my father was; but when my mother left him, he left me at the same time! In this day and age fatherless home are an epidemic, so much so nobody even seems to acknowledge it anymore. I recetly ran a search on twitter looking up absent father/dead beat dads and the majority of the results I recieved had to do with the single parents point of view, but what about the child; but I will get into that later. I personally went to therapy because of the issues I had with my father after he walked out on my life. However yet a lot of children do not talk about it, or they constantly say they do not care or it does not bother them, but the fact of the matter is that it does. I always use to say I did not care about my dad and the way he treated me, but people I said it to noticed that when I said it my entire tone of vioce changed, to anger and disgust! For years I have told myself to write a letter to my father and explain to him how I truely feel, and I never did it, well as of late I made the desicion with help and support from my man decided to write him. I must have written this letter more than ten times, each time never making it to the end, becuase I just got to emotional. I what thought what I was saying was just too harsh, this is the first copy I was able to reach a conclusion, and I will probably rewrite this one too....


"Dear Dad,

I am writing this to you because I feel like it is impossible to have a real conversation with you, without me ending in tears just because of your tone of vioce never mind what you say in the tone. My entire life I have been extremly afraid of you, but not anymore.

When I was a child , even after my mother left you although I was scared of you I admired you, like in my eyes as intimadating as you are, you could do no wrong; but as I got older my admiration turned into complete terror and loathe. That is probably and awful and hurtful thing to say too your father, but I can help how I truely feel; and to be honest I do not feel you have been a father to me. I know what youare thinking nd I am not talking about finacially, you left me constantly with unfulfilled hope and promises, it came to the piont were tou yourself stopped making them. After that it was just abuse, and I do not mean physically, but definitely mentally and emotionally. You probably don't even know that I went to therapy beacuase of my issues I had or have with you.

Do you even remember some of things you use to say to me in those viocemails? I really wish I still had some so I could play it back for you! You thought you were really slick too. getting the family to gang up on me, lying saying I was ignoring your calls when you knew I was in class.

You know what is truely amazing to me is how you blamed my mother for separation, when the truth is I didn't want to be around you, because your character pushed me away. with your lies, broken promises, and abuse, and not just to me. I remember we were in Jamacia, you and Karen were arguing and she actually stood up to you and said "FUCK YOU!!!" You swurved the cars so fast I thought we were going to fall of the cliff, and she took off running for her life! I mean I have heard about things you have done to my mother!

I could go on for days about you and you r actions but I don not have the time or the paper. But what truely got me was when I came to your house for two weeks only because my sisters were here, I dont think you even noticed how different you treated me. It's like everything was my fault, I recall one incident when i went to take a shower and the girls were asleep when I got out they were awake and you were fixing them leftovers, so I said cn I have some too. You began fussing at me about how I should be doing it and how its my responsibiltty...hoe its it my resposibiltiy to take care of your children...which you were finally getting to do after I do not know how many years!

Then you had the audacity to call me selfish! I really began to ask myself if you knew what that word really means, because I am far from it; and the people in my life who truely know me will tell you so! It was like while my sisters were here they said jump you said how high, and Igot nothing. I just have one question for you why? Why didnt you treat me like a daughter? Like how you brag to yourfriends about me and my accomplishments like you had anything to do with them....

You can think what you want about this letter, but like I told Grandma I am done! My really close friend told me I cannot make you want to be apart of my life, you hve to do it on your own!



No matter what I am going to love you, I just hopeand pray one day you are actually going to love me bck the way I do!"

Blood of Lyrics

I have been told I've got some thick ass blood flowing through my veins
Thick like the head of the ignorant bitch I had to teach after she told me...
"locks are disgusting niggers get them after not washing their hair for a long time."
See that lesson played over and over in mind
I mean as foolish as she sounded I'm suprised she even knew to call them locks
That day like some others my blood got so thick it began to form clotts
I became so angry my stomach turned into a million knots
Getting so upset, I went to a place inside I had never been before
A place with blood cold like ice, kind of like the emotions i feel towards life
I have been told the blood in my veins runs deep
Deep like the hatred I feel for my father after he called me a WHORE!!!!
Taking me back to that place, only this time it wass all to familar to me
With needles sticking trying to break that ice, i knew i been there before, I had walked this floor
I have been told that the blood in my veins pumps strong
Strong like the strength it took to go perform every night
Pulling green from places my veins should never have to see nor feel
Strength to live another day forgetting about yesterday
Attempting to forget those blood stained walls



Some other people tell me that running through my veins is some thin blood
Thin like the water in the tears I cry
The tears that ran over the bruises and then into the cuts
Cuts I recieved because I was told I was a slut
Moving on no longer cuts but progressing into sores
Some say the blood in my vein is shallow
Shallow like the wanna be pre-madonnas
I was forced to associate with in order to prove my intellegence
Them triffling heffers who were the true sluts, but pretended to come accross eligant
Others tell me the blood in my veins pumps very weak
Weak and slow like my heartbeat after multiple close but unsuccessful suicide attempts
Now I try to overdose, flowing lyrics throw my veins
This struggle for the feeling of exstacy is driving me insane
Keeps bringing back to these familar places
Blood from my sores over flowing in the room
Attempting to donate to save a life.
But turned away, I can't give life when mine is already taken
Nobody wants whats tainted
You heard my story, would you?????
I know you don't, and if you think you take this lyrical blood then you must be mistaken